I saw Grim Jester on the road while I was out with my client. I texted him to say "I just saw you" but I had the wrong number. I sent an email to my old group to repeat "I saw you" but again, as if I'd dialed the wrong number again, there was no response.
That was two weeks ago.
In the last 14 days, I've been a therapist for other people. A woefully underpaid one, so much in fact that I shall be late to pay July's rent. And will be a thousand and change behind in my car payments by the end of the year. And My license will be suspended for non-payment of the ticket I can't afford to pay since I had to get my car out of the tow pound 4 weeks ago.
Yeah, ol' Me is in that place again. However, the insurance company is actually the reason why this time--not bad judgment on my part. They keep making mistakes during my pay-out and I keep having to return the checks. I need them to cut the shit, and cut me a check on Monday. But even so, I won't get that insurance money until July 15th after the center has held onto it and gotten their interest's worth.
So this has been my frame of mind for the last 4 weeks. My money woes returned a sense of the stupid dumbness of my life. Yet I sit in the big chair, encouraging others to see the brighter sides of THEIR lives. I teach OTHER people how to make the best of communication and relationships. I got crazy mad "maximize your life" skills--for someone else.
And two weeks ago, when I saw Grim Jester, I saw an opportunity to regain a little control back out of this crazy life. So I called the house number that I still had until I reached him. And I arranged to go over to his house to see him today. And I sat up in the room with him and his new girlfriend and mended fences. Mind you, Jester's way of mending fences is to proceed like nothing's happened, which worked for him. I only stayed for a few minutes because his girlfriend looked sleepy, possibly post-coitally, and I wanted to have more of a "talk" than this virtual stranger's presence would allow.
But he walked me out to my doomed car, and he seemed glad that I had come, and I sensed that whatever I was holding against him, I had let go.
But the control I wanted back in my life was not fully restored today. For what I intended to tell him was that I was gay, and have been all this time, and the reason I left the group is because I couldn't stand being around him and only letting him piss me off instead of meeting my need. I intended to tell him that all his anti-gay remarks had made me feel embarrassed and ashamed of what I was, and that while I was struggling to accept this about myself, I needed a lot less of him and his hairy muscles, and his locker-room fratboy group of geeks teasing gay people (and thus, ostensibly, ME). And I meant to tell him that I still haven't figured everything out yet, but if I was going to get anywhere closer to who I am, I was going to have to come out to a few more people until I did it completely.
Because why am I a therapist helping other people make the most out of their relationships with people and lovers, yet not do anything like that for myself? How much older am I going to get watching people all around me continue to have their fantastic and magical relationships, while I resign myself to an inhuman experience of isolation and fear?
I cry foul on all that. I'm lonely. I want a dude. I just have to accept that.