Recognize!

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These Damn Dreams!

Okay, so last night I'm hanging out with MFTD in my dream. We're on our way to a church service back in our old church. It's a part of the "reconcile with my past" program that I've been on ever since I had lunch with my Former Father Figure. Even though MFTD has WAY more problems with my old church than I do (mind you I gave more years of my life to it than he did, and he came away from the whole experience with a doctorate and a wife, and ultimately, the most ass-kickingest house and mancave known to geekdom), still there he was in my dream, coming along with me to see our former brethren and sistren, and our Former Pastor.

So in we go, and who do we see first? Sister Whoopindiddle and Her Daughters. One of her daughters is my age and I thought about getting with her in times past, but she never really appealed to me on any level. Of all the girls I had dated and been engaged to, none of them were in this family.

Until now. Yes, in this dream, the girl I was engaged to was Sister Whoopindiddle's daughter too. And as it turned out, I remembered as I saw her and her family, that I was supposed to have been there at the church the day before. Because that was our wedding day. And as I stood there realizing that, "oh yeah, that's right! Our wedding date was yesterday, wasn't it--? CLANG!! Whoopindiddle Jr. clouts me in the back of the head with a frying pan. She and her mother and other sisters (not my fiancee, however. I had devastated her too badly to have been there) began to tell me what a horrible person I was to have left their loved one stranded at the altar. And yes, I had to agree with them, but it was an honest mistake. And too, that isht hurt my head! Just because I did that didn't mean Whoopindiddle Jr. had the right to strike me! And in the dream, it was one of those sensations where you know some damage was done. I felt the impact, the jolt of my senses, and the throb of bonedeep pain, without the actual pain. Kind of like the dream was sending me every signal that there was damage except the pain that would have made me call 911 for real.

In the dream, I tried to make the best of the situation, because again, I felt that what I had done wasn't THAT bad. I mean, no one called me the day before, did they? And I was there now, wasn't I? I hadn't abandoned her forever? I just forgot a date. What's the big?

But they weren't having it. Not even MFTD. He was all like, "No, dude, this was bad."

So in a flash, I said "FUC& IT!" and threw a bag of frozen veg mix (you know, the peas, corn, and carrot cubes that have that pretty color scheme?) into a credenza for a nice glass-shattering finale, and stormed out. I left MFTD with the Whoopindiddles and sped off. I was leaving them for good. All my attempts to reconcile with my past, all thoughts of meeting with my Former Pastor, MFTD and his perfect life, and religion--everything. I was deciding that I no longer owed anyone anything. I decided that it was time to live for myself.

Oh I was PISSED.

Then I woke up.

And I don't still have those feelings. I don't want to leave it all behind. I just don't want to be punished for my mistakes anymore.

Dream analysts, go for it.

Other News ...

My Colleague is still show me interest. When I told MFTD how that party had turned out, he was astounded. "What was THAT all about, she brought her BOYFRIEND?" And then he asked the magic question, "Could you have misinterpreted the signals?"

Well, yes. I could have. But the fact are as I stated them. She had been nervous around me, she had initiated conversation about my life outside of the center, and she had let me talk her into going to the party. Then at my showing up late, she had expressed disappointment (in a great, funny way), she had been standing apart from her boyfriend, I did have to ask who he was, and she was standing closer to me than him until they left. And she had leaned her head to my shoulder when she laughed. So, yes, I could have misinterpreted all that, but if I did, it will take a while to figure out what she was actually doing.

And now, last night, she saw me leaving the office, when she was leaving, and she waited for me. She joked with me about her birthday and what I wrote on her card (which was open to all members of the staff). We rode down in the elevator, laughing. And we stood on the sidewalk in the chilly air while she waited for her ride (who was most likely her boyfriend). So whatever might be happening, I can't tell. It sure SEEMS like she digs me and wants out of her present relationship.

So complicated.

Are gay people this complex? According to the tribulations I read from Former Pastor (who also Twitters) the answer is yes. People don't just come out and say what they want these days. Including me.

Oh well. I'm taking suggestions from the audience. :-D

Two Nights Ago...

...kind of like a freak snowstorm, I found myself hit with a hanging out at a bar and getting to know new people. All centered on a New York Times Bestelling author. He was in town to do a book reading at the Borders at Columbus Circle, which happens to be where I get my train to go home after a night of therapy. So, as fate would have it, thanks to my new Twittery obsession (see "Twitter; Blue bar above), I was made aware of all his comings, goings, and in-betweenings. Having been aware of him from my Slice of Sci Fi exposure, and the art of podcasters and Do It Yourselfers who have a talent, a microphone, and a dream (and A LOT of energy), I figured to go catch him at his reading (The pictures on the other side of the link is from a reading he did the next day in DC. My NYC people ain't representing on Flick'r, it seems), show my face, and maybe seal a deal to trade promo trailers . But as I introduced myself as the guy on Twitter who 'had to oppose his evil scheme, for I am aligned with a superhero,' he extended an invitation to the after-party at a bar a few blocks away. It wasn't exclusive--he extended it to everyone who he signed for, but it became incumbent on me to say 'yes' because I had decided to be so damn personable.

Yay meds. So after a moment's hesitation, I said, "I don't see why not!"

And off I went alone.

I arrived at the bar and had that New Alan/Old Alan moment. Do I go right in, alone, or do I turn and go home? I'm happy to say those times are growing more and more brief. I went in. Then it was, 1) stand around upstairs on the fringe, or 2) dive in? At that intersection, I stood on the fringe. Yes, our hero failed. I made it inside, the author was not there yet, so I felt like I'd fulfilled my commitment. All I had to do was wait, and if possible, get at the author's elbow and remind him of me. Not hard, right?

But after about fifteen minutes, I was approached by two guys who introduced themselves and swept me right up in the social event. Friendly, outgoing guys who came to enjoy the company and make friends. Thank God for these type of people.

So eventually, the author showed up and made the rounds. Where he went, that portion of the crowd circled. Where he wasn't, the crowd sustained itself with social chatter. "What did YOU like best about his second novel?" "What character do YOU like the best?" And having been just recently added to this culture, I had nothing to really contribute. So I talked about my hobby--the little corner of the internet where I Do It Myself for the entertainment of like-minded folk. And I got appreciated! One guy who was there for the author was a long-time fan of MINE! A listener of the project I produce!! It was astounding!!

And it gave me the courage to meet the author on equal footing. What I wanted to propose to him, I could do as a peer! I could do it confidently! I had a comaparable product that I could interest him in.

And I did! I got his ear more than once and he was more than willing! Credit him with being Geek Like Me, and having more energy than eighteen of us (which is why he is successful in this field), and being willing to do voiceovers for anyone who has a project ... and we have a winnah!

So now I have a new connection and a new creative interest to add to the fine work I enjoy in my "spare time." I'd say it was a great night!

In the next post; Other News...

My Hands Are Shaking A Little Bit.

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I Can Has Cheezeburgers?

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I made the words! I found the pic online somewhere and it is my work laptop.

These are the things I'm doing on Inaugural Day. Why not? The implecations are just too immense for me right now. I've got paperwork to finish, a journey up into some mountains to accomplish, and a client to see tonight. I Can Has Cheezeburger? is a welcome distraction from Worst Case Scenario all up in my grill, taunting me with the phrase, "Obama's going to be like Martin Luther King in more ways than one today!"

I'm like, oh God oh God oh God PLEASE let there be some Jack Bauer x10000-like Federal security up in that bitch today. Oh GOD please. Because there's way too many (meaning more than 1) Ignorant Bastards out there who know no other way to solve their conflicts. I'm looking at YOU Mason Dixon.

So I'm distracting myself through the cute route. I'm working instead of watching. I'll have a CD in the car stereo instead of tuning in. At 12:01, just tell me that he's our President and that he's safely away from the center of 50-eleven billion people.

A Good Day

I'm posting this at 1 in the AM so I'm not actually talking about the 20th when I say today was a good day. But it really was. It was a holiday so I slept in, but got up in time enough for a gym workout and shrimp at A Salt & Battery. Then I had even enough time to return home and shave my face, carving my sideburns to the jawline out of the scrub that I left on my face all weekend. I'm happy to say that the 'burns are now frosty white, fading to black up into my hairline. It doesn't look so much like a birthmark now, like the white patch on my eyebrow does. I tell you, I had no idea I'd ever really have to contend with all this middle-aged buuuuullcrap.

So I went to deal with my clients tonight, and coming home I made my walk to Central Park West and witnessing the snow coating the tree limbs and Park wall, plus illuminating everything inside the Park as if it were painted for detail--all reminded me of something.

This was part of my dream. To work in Manhattan. To belong here. And to be helping people. To be doing good. I've said it before, but in a panoramic flash, I was reminded of it afresh--like the snow itself.

I belong here. With or without a significant other.

And speaking of dreams, I wonder if I'll see my father again tonight. He's been making a lot of guests appearances lately. Showing up in the oddest places, but belonging in every one of them. I wonder if it's my brain's way for informing me that I've forgiven him and I don't even know it?

All in all, a good day.

I Think I'm Ready For An Entry

:-)

Here I am, up early, so I can accommodate a client's need to be seen according to their schedule. For them I can do it. For my day job? Not so much. But we'll see. I did it today--I'd like to do it all next week. Oh didn't I tellyou? My inner morning guy died the death ages ago. The meds helped awaken him, but they weren't enough. No stumblin' to the kitchen, no poruing myself a cup of ambition.

So Wednesday night I got with Former Pastor and a huge platter of the geek brethren, including the friendly geek who shouted me out once on a podcast and made me feel special. Unfortunately I wasn't able to spend the full night with them, but I did pair off with one person who kept it interesting. And there is the promise of more when the Geek Event happens next month.

At the Geek Event, there is also the promise of meeting new folks who make some of the podcasts that I listen to (as I did last year down in Ned's territory). Those podcasts are like geek blogs for your ears. While waxing eloquent and intelligent about the geek medium of comicbooks and superheroes, they also expose their personalities, their senses of humor, their passion, and elements that I find I have in common with them. So what happens? Of course, I form mancrushes and wish to be their bestest friends ever!

Set myself up for failure much?

Former Pastor stretched out a compassionate metaphorical hand to me on Wednesday and I didn't take it. I don't think I slapped it away, but having been one to reach out the same on different occasions, I guess it can feel like a slap when not taken. But he took me a little by surprise. I didn't think I telegraphed a sense that I was in emotional distress, but Former Pastor said he was worried about me just the same.

And too, my Former Father Figure has left me a few messages since we met those few weekends ago and I haven't responded yet.

And here's something else I did--I blew the lid off my longterm gaming group when Grim Jester snapped at us, ala e-mail, for not committing to cancel a meeting last weekend when it snowed. He said he didn't want to play psychological games while we looked to place the blame on someone for canceling the meeting, so he canceled it for us. So not being one to ignore the bait, I wrote back to the group that he was our defacto leader because when he didn't attend our get togethers, no one else wants to either. And yes, I was "looking" at my passenger--although we have gotten together without Grim. So yeah, I pretty much was a prick about it, knowing in my heart that I resented Grim's power of persuasion and leadership. So how did he respond? He ignored it, then declared a geektogether for tomorrow. Gotta love his style. Or hate it.

Speaking of style, My Scott Ellis wrote a kickass short story for a contest that he and his literary blogmates frequently enter. One of his blogmates is about to have her first novel published. I suspect that as soon as he puts his first novel together, Scott will be having the same success. And I've suspected that for years now.

In all this observation of my friends' lives and goals, I have to keep reminding myself that I too have achieved some small amount of goal-reaching. Because it damn sure doesn't feel like I have. Maybe something in the way I've been writing has betrayed me, here. Maybe that's what Former Pastor has seen.

But for all my forging ahead, it still feels like I've gotten nowhere. My Colleague's flirtations have died. I guess she's chosen the security of her man over the unknown quantity of me. Which was a good choice for her actually. I'm sure her man doesn't present the kind of drama I would bring. And Fringes is now married to Q and is about to have their baby. And Grizzbabe is engaged. And Ned is off the radar again because his life has taken an upturn socially. And Scott is writing again and has a loving family. And MFTD has a to-die-for house, a doctorate, a wife, a baby.

And me?

And me?

Well ... I help people. Last night I took a case for free when the client showed up for the appointment that the center made for us sans a dime in his pocket and no intention to pay. Yet he was suicidal and bawling his head off. So I served him. I hope the director HATES that I did that, just as a twist. Because I didn't schedule it, HE did.

And speaking of schedule, let me dash. After my ultra-early client, I'm going to the gym. Because I'm fairly sure I weigh more now than I did before I went on Nutrisystems. And if that's not a sign, then nothing is.

Anyway. This is the part where I try to sum up the bad with something good, but that was the best I could do. More frequently, I'm living vicariously through my clients. As always, your encouragements are welcomed.

Awright Now...!

Check it out. WOO HOO!!

Isn't this, like, an open invitation to go stare? These blokes aren't going to be wearing stained white underwear, man. Either they;ll have on conservative boxers, showing unimpressive, ordinary legs, or there's going to be an AussieBum fashion show!!*whistles innocently*

C'mon, Studslies of New York. Show 'em whatcha made of!

These Dreams

I had such an involved and exciting dream both last night (4th) and the night before (the 3rd). We're talking superpowers, end-of-the-world stakes, and me flying.

I LOVE to fly in my dreams. My brain provides all the perceived aerodynamics for this type of undertaking. Overtaking, actually. It's as if gravity recognizes that I have an unseen canopy array of feathers under my arms, attached to my body, and with the right run speed, uplift, currents, and powerstrokes, I can get airborne. It usually lasts as long as it takes to get to the altitude I need, for whatever given task.

The last dream involved a small comicbook shop located on the ground level of a neighborhood planted beneath a highway underpass. I was from the Other Side of Town and was alerted that the more well-known shop that I frequented had closed down, and a lesser-known one had moved to this small, cramped location. But when going in, I found the wonder I was searching for. I found Today's Geek, browsing the spinner racks. Today's Geek is the more successful version of me, who I've been running into over at Geek Central and a new Geek Central where four guys get together on Skype and wax eloquently, competently, and expertly on the medium of comicbooks. When I was 17, this talk consisted of "Spiderman could kick Batman's ASS!" But now, the 17 year-olders of yesteryear are talking about price points, paperstock, reader quality, abstract color schemes, and artist conceptions as compared to graphic culture of the 60's, 70's, 80's and 90's. This they do while mentioning their wives, their children, their careers as programmers, stock-market analysts, art directors, independent publishers, and comicbook artists. Drawing Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman no less.

In this dream, I had finally gotten that physical proximity I have been longing for. The chance to read their body language. To see how they responded to each other and to me. I was there with no fear, no social phobia, no reservations. I was there with no agenda. I was just being me.

And that's when disaster struck.

As is the nature of dreams, I of course knew nothing of the nature of the disaster. Just that something real foul was afoot and many lives were in danger. And into our heroes identities we sprang. I had no time to take notice of who they all were because I had my own mission and responsibility to fill. And to the skies I took!

And that's really the only vestiges of memory I have left. I woke with a very satisfied feeling. And yet, in realizing that I was actually on Earth Prime, where no one flew without mechanical device, and that I still was a singleton with likeminded geeks still so so far away from me, I was a little achy. A little melacholy. More than a little unfufilled.

My social needs are screaming. This aloneness is ridiculous. This "thing" about life--it's meant for more than one. It's all too obvious now.

"Someone come.
Come my someone."

A Great Way To Start The Year...

...GrizzBabe Just Got Engaged!!


WooooHOOOO!!!