Who knew I was so goth? I'm forcing myself to do my laundry. In the basement are the coin-operated machines. So I'm sorting the darks from the lights from the bright reds and I filled my hamper with black clothes first. Amazed at how many black clothes I have. Pants and shirts and t-shirts and socks and jockey shorts. I have big piles of color clothes as well, and bright blood red is a favorite of mine, but in what era did Goth Emo Alan sit on the throne of my life? And does he want his clothes back?
A few days ago, Grim informed us that his girlfriend passed away. He finished the e-mail by saying he didn't want any condolences or any questions because "none of it helps." So the compassion and empathy I wanted to feel for him was quickly supplanted by anger. Damn him! Oh he's got to be so effing brave and macho and stupid. I mean, I'm sad that the woman died. What, I'm not supposed to show any of that? Or I'm just not supposed to expect that he's feeling any of that? Which of course he must be feeling it times a million since she was his girlfriend (on-again off-again on-again, but still...). And this is an opportunity to be there for each other. Or at least let me be there for him. But that's not what he wants. Oh, make no mistake, he does want us to get together. Today in fact. He said he "just wants to be with his friends." Which might be the most emotional he may ever be. But it's always got to be on his terms. He's always got to control the situation. He's always got to tell everyone how to act and what to be and what's right and what's wrong.
So here I am, prepared to go and be with his friends, and try to do what he needs us to do, on his terms since he's the one who lost someone and needs to grieve in his own way, but I find myself feeling resentful of it. I guess I have to learn that it's not all about me and that sometimes I just have to let someone else have their own way. And that even though Grim pathologically always has to have his own way, this is not the time to argue about it.
Yeah. I think that's right.
And this is why I blog! Yay!
Okay. So that's what's going on.
Enjoy the weekend!
4 comments:
Alan, I am so sorry to hear about Grim's girlfriend. It seemed rather fast from your posts. And yeah, whatever annoys us about our friends, well, I guess we just have to Give it to Them during a time like this and allow it to be. Grim otherwise might blow up if he's pushed or just retreat further. I guess there is no wrong way to deal with death but I'm sure it sucks for you, who wants to be there and wants to offer some comfort.
So he'll have his time and hopefully next year you guys can have some soul to soul time.
Yeah. I'm laying in the bed now feeling a little icky and I think I'll take the day off. As it so happens today is my mom's birthday, and she would have been 74 years old, which is inconceivable to me because she died of cancer when she was 57 (and when I was 27) and that's all I ever knew of her.
Grim's girl died in about three months from diagnosis. His friends and I talked about it before Grim showed up because we knew he wasn't going to want to. Then when he came, we played a rousing game of RISK for about six hours and shared many a laugh and carried on as if nothing had ever happened.
But it did and death by cancer is a horrible, haunting ghost. So I've got a case of the grief hangovers this morning and I'm not going to work because I don't want to, and I want to eat shrimp from "A Salt and Battery" which are $10 but they are fried and battered and are about 7 of them, and they fill you up REAL nice and I want the comfort of indulgence today because I just do.
Thanks, Dawn.
I'm sorry to hear about your mom too. I hope you will light a candle today and just go with the feeling ...and then take a deep breath and realize all your potential. You are ALIVE my dear Alan!!!!
It's good you guys got to talk about Grim's girlfriend's death away from his presence. That may have helped all of you guys deal with the situation too, enabling you to be there for Grim in whatever manner he needed.
Enjoy your shrimp! I miss the coconut battered shrimp at Red Lobster. Sigh.
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