Posting Instead Of

This morning I'm in quite a state. I have a client I've promised an early appointment to on a regular basis, and each time that appointment comes, something in this day job threatens to make me unavailable. In times past, I've skipped out on the day job after a fraught day of anxiety. Lately there was the promise of being able to take the part time job here in the city and ditch the NJ day job, solving the problem and keeping me available for the early client. Now not so much.

But that's only one problem.

I can't think of a single thing I'm supposed to do today. I've a nagging feeling that I'm supposed to be somewhere dayjob related, and I can't remember. I've given up writing in my planner because I keep misplacing it anyway.

Yesterday, on the road, Grim Jester called my phone and left the message to call him back "as soon as you get this" which I did do. Then in live convo, it turns out to be something he wants me to do for him that he goes on to disqualify me for anyway. Meanwhile my persistent part of the conversation uncovers the fact that his GF is now in a semi-conscious state, has a DoNotResuscitate order, and is not projected to ever leave the hospital.

I mean, just, damn. I used to play City of Heroes with this girl.

I still have a little holiday weekend movies hangover. "Zack & Miri" being chiefest. Maybe because I saw it on the biggest screen out of all the ones I've seen in the last few days (a record, ladies & gentlemen).

Here's a spoiler, but it isn't THAT big of a spoiler....















So, Zack & Miri actually DO IT in the course of the movie, in the pursuit of making the titular porno. And so, since it's a porno, the camera is all up in their faces. (Of course, the in-movie camera they use to make that scene could not possibly have been where the actual-movie camera went to show their faces in the scene and later played back within the movie, but I'm nitpicking.) And anyway, as they DO IT, they of course have an orgasm. For the amazo-factor they have it at the same time. It changes everything. And from that point the rest of the movie becomes a very sweet tale about true love.

But that concurrent orgasm scene is haunting me. There was something in the red-flushed, straining face of Seth Rogen that creeped. Me. Out. I've seen enough porn to know that chances are he was just acting. (Most moneyshots in porn occur with the male actor looking nothing like passion at all. Maybe a little constipated, but not like "za-KAMM!!" as I usually expect them to. (Very disappointing if I may say so.) But now Seth Rogen affects the appropriate face--and it just made me feel -- like a perv. Like I was peeking in on something I had absolutely no business seeing at all. Like it was meant to be private and intimate and wonderful and lifechanging and no one, not just me, but no one in the whole audience, or in any audience in all of America should have been watching. There was not a "whew that's hot" factor to the scene, but a "wow, Zack looks so vulnerable and a little lost" factor to it. Like he was being completely devoured by his fantasies and it was too much in that second. For Miri, it was just a hot chick getting a happy and amazing orgasm--nothing to write home about. But from Zack.

Just, oob.

Ned, you are officially off the hook. I'll watch porn, but now I know I'm nowhere NEAR as eager to watch two people making love. Mind you, reading audience, it isn't as if I ever received any promises or opportunities to actually watch Ned, but for the sake of the private mindscape--I'm going in for a flush. I don't want to see Ned, nor Scott, nor Mike, nor any of my guy friends cyber or not, making love with their significant others. Because just--it's wrong. It's private!

What else do I have to say today before I sign off this morning?

How about, "for those of you who know a word of prayer, please pray for me."

Ah, that does remind me. The church guy who used to be my father figure--who I was going to meet on a Saturday and spill all the tea with? I still haven't met with him. But about a month ago, he did call me and shared a story with me. It started with him asking if I still wanted him to keep it secret that he has contacted me, and I told him yes. But the reason he had asked is because our pastor had been in his pulpit talking up a storm (as he usually did) and my name came up. I totally forget why. But there's my pastor, talking about me to the church, a little more than a month ago. I was flattered to hear this and terrified. Because I'd always wanted to know if I'd even been significant to that man, since after I left the church for the ministry, it seemed like I never had been. Now I see that I'd crossed his mind. (And when anything crosses his mind, it usually comes tumbling out of his mouth, for better or for worse. This is not a virtue, btw.) The thing that sent my former father figure asking me if I still wanted our contat to remain private is because along with whatever else he was saying about me, the pastor ended with, "Where is Alan? How is he doing?"

And I still don't want him to know. Because he won't like it.

Lastly, I'm still lonely. It seems the only times I've been truly alive this holiday weekend is when I was involved with other peoples lives and talents. I'm not particularly happy about that. But whatcha gunna do?