When I Need A Pick Me Up, by my friend Ryan King

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Polyamory?!?

I listen to Escape Pod. It has awesome science fiction stories read by great talented people. I work regularly with one of their voice talents, and another of their voice talents is my Other Hero. The host is Steve Eley who is a husband and a father. And also someone else's lover.

*insert appropriate doubletake here*

He revealed certain details about his multiple relationships during a few of his intros at Escape Pod when one of his voice talents was the woman that he dated, who was different than his wife/the mother of his child.

When he mentioned it, in passing, I wasn't sure what I heard. And he didn't go into detail. But he revisited it recently by issuing the following statement in reference to invites for webgroups that he receives; "If you aren't asking me to work together, or sleep together, or both--don't ask me to join."

I was like, "HuhbuhWHA--?!"

On one of the latest episodes at Escape Pod, he included a link to the website/podcast of his other girl, where I found an episode that he co-hosted, and therefore was much more revealing about his relationshipS.

So to reiterate--he has a wife and a girlfriend. And everybody is on-board with this in his circle. His girlfriend's podcast caters to a culture of people who have more than one relationship and everyone in them are happy as larks with it.

During the episode that I'm referring to, she said "One of my friends--who I'm dating--his wife had an ultrasound..." And then also, while she and he were doing the podcast, his dog, his son, and his wife came onto the back porch where they were recording and said "hi!" And later on, he also said "My other sweetie reads Harry Potter". The man has multiple sweeties.

I am both fascinated and confused.

But what I also want to throw in here is that along with his brief talk at Escape Pod, he said that his relationships have been with women and men. So all these women in his life know that he also had at least one same-sex relationship, and they still do their thing with him.

Just what is going on here?

I'm omitting judgment because all I can wonder now is if it's possible that any potential person in my life could or would be as tolerant of me as Stephen Eley's polyamorous partners are. Because if I can't figure out this sexuality of mine, could I possibly have both? Could I experiment in one season of my life, and then still have a long lasting relationship (ie, wife) with whom to raise a family?

I mean -- is sexuality really that fluid? Are people really that understanding?

Because right now, and I discussed this with my therapist yesterday, I'm seriously considering going back to default. I'm used to The Alone Life, and half of it is already over anyway. All this emotional work I have to do to get to 'normal' is terrifying and exhausting, and really, what harm would I be doing anyone if I just found a nice cool spot to relax in and ride out the rest of my days writing, blogging, making audio, supporting heroes, playing D&D, eating, and working?

I'm serious.

Please, comments completely welcomed.

3 comments:

GrizzBabe said...

Does default mean being alone? I get the distinct feeling that this is not your preference regardless of your sexuality.

You ask some very tough life questions and I'll admit that I don't have all (or any) of the answers. But what I'm thinking is that if you feel that being with someone (regardless of their gender) is important to you (and it sounds like it is) then maybe you should continue to do the emotional work as tough as it may be.

I get the sense that you are running a marathon and you are starting to tire a bit. There are very few runners on the path you're going and there are very few supporters on the sideline encouraging you to keep going and assuring you that you can do it. Plus, you can't see the finish line from here. Under these circumstances, it's understandable that you would be scared and exhausted and would just want to go sit down somewhere.

I would love to comment more but I have to go to work (I'm late!) I'll ponder your questions some more and reply again later.

GrizzBabe said...

On the fluidity of sexuality:

I so don't have any answers here either only questions.

Is sexuality determined purely by DNA or is it a matter of choice? Or is it a combination of choice and DNA? If sexuality is determined strictly by DNA, is it similiar to binary code in that it only has two options? Or are there various shades of sexuality that reside on a continuum like there are various shades of a skin color?

And don't even get me started on the questions I have involving sexuality and religion!

When you figure out all the answers, let me know, will ya'?

Alan said...

Well Grizz, I do still believe this.

Society tells men "no" and tells women "yes", and I happen to be a man.