When I Need A Pick Me Up, by my friend Ryan King

Sunday, September 9, 2007

Finally, A Pic I Can Live With

Here I am.


Little Wing said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Little Wing said...

.....and I mean no dis-respect to you at all, I am still young and trying to understand.....when you make comments like this......

"Come on over and help me take the white man's money. He got too much of it, and power. It's time to break up this good ol' boy network for the last damn time. Let's see how the hell they'll like being called a 'minority' for the next 200 damn years.".........Are you seriously angry?

Alan said...

Yeah, Little Wing, there's an anger that's always there. It doesn't seem to make me dislike white people--it just makes me hate the system and history in general.

It's a strange state of mind to be in and I'd change it if I could. My heroes, my best friend, etcetera--all white. So I always know that I run the risk of offending those who are close to me when I express the anger.

But it is there. There's been so much harm done, LW. So much. And I hold onto the anger because it must never happen again in American history. That seems to work for the Jewish nation -- stay vigilant, and never forget.

I do apologize if it feels that I'm personally attacking you, or white people as individuals. It'd be more accurate for me to say that I'm more angry at the Old Boy Network of White-Makes-Right than I am angry at white skin.

Coaster Punchman said...

It's OK if you want to hate white people - my boyfriend does! :) But I get a pass, mainly because I'm crazy and it makes him look better in comparison.

Practice some really angry poses and post those for us!

Thanks for stopping by CPW - hope you enjoy the Mama Gin videos. Talk about hating white people...two of Mama Gin's children married caucasians and nearly got disowned for it, until Poor George started taking up with men...now that she has some perspective she'd be thrilled if he'd take up with a female of ANY race, as long as she was plenty fertile.

GrizzBabe said...

Very distinguished looking picture!

Alan said...

That's 2 Distinguisheds and a request for Angry. Wonder what I'll get when I drop 20 more lbs over the Winter ... ?

Coaster Punchman said...

Yep, Poor George is my one & only for 10 years and his proudly ABC (American-born Chinese)

Being less racially sensitive than the average left-wing American, the Chinese ladies at one of the restaurants we go to frequently call him (in Chinese) "Hollow Bamboo" - meaning he is Chinese but with no substance. Charming!

Coaster Punchman said...

Oh, and "Coaster Punchman" is just an old nickname, described in my very first blog post (what, you haven't read through my entire archive yet?)

It's actually pretty stupid. But I do not have any alternative.

Anonymous said...

Nice photo, but I like it better when you smile. It makes me smile, too.


Little Wing said...

I just don't think anger is the answer.
I have never seen anger solve anything.
I was angry at the drug dealer who sold my mother heroin until it killed her.
That kind of anger doesn't solve the problem of drug dealers and it wont solve racism.
I just wish we could all get over skin color and realize we are all human beings.

Alan said...

I think by now most people know we're human beings. It's just the value put upon my type of human is shown to me every day that I watch television, read newspapers, listen to politics, look at billboards, read comicbooks, etc.

I'm not trying to solve anything with my anger. My anger just is. It's a defense mechanism that has developed to protect me. To solve problems, I use my mind.

And here lately, *I* don't want to solve racism because *I* didn't cause racism. Let the *racists* solve it. Let *them* do that work. Let *them* clean out all that poisonous bullcrap that they've been feasting on for the past 300 years.

They wore my ass out in Missouri. I swam upstream for 8 years trying to set an example and trying to represent a black person that they could trust. What'd I get for my efforts? "Oh, you're one of the "good" ones, but still, we think it'd be best if you stick to your own kind."

Never again. Never ever again will I allow myself to be so naive and trusting of people, and crave their love and acceptance so much, only to find out that no matter how upstanding and vanilla *I* acted, they still couldn't get over their *own* racism.

Anger is going to make sure that if I ever get punked like that again, I will bounce back stronger than ever. I will never wallow in misery at the hands of ignorant people again. My anger will see to that.

I have a lot of issues and vulnerabilities, but on this one matter of race? I know exactly where I need to stand.

Zero Tolerance.

GrizzBabe said...

"Oh, you're one of the "good" ones, but still, we think it'd be best if you stick to your own kind."

Were you trying to make friends or date their women? Either way, that is a horrible thing to say to someone. And a steady diet of that will make even the most forgiving person angry.

Little Wing said...

Alan, I didn't cause racism either and I am sorry for the way you were treated in Missouri, I truly am.
Not that 'sorry' helps, but just for the record.
I cringe with shame over the stupidity and ignorance of 'them'.

Alan said...

See Grizz, you knew exactly. Yes, I was trying to commit the unforgivable sin of dating a white woman. I had gone out there knowing I'd be one of two black men in the entire student body, but they had made me feel so welcomed and loved when I had first visited before the semester began that off I went. Then when it came time to date, I was informed of my limits by the dorm supervisor. They loved me, but allowing interracial dating would upset their community (and their traditional racism) too much. Thankfully, the other black guy was more brave than I was and he dated. Well, he had much less to overcome as far as personal issues. He saw the women, he wanted the women, he took the women. And he caught hell. But he was born and raised out there. He was used to it. And his mother was a blond white woman, so he wasn't nearly Black As Me--but he was Black Enough to catch hell. Disgusting display of ignorance that I subjected myself to. I'm angry with myself and I'm angry with them. I should have left the second after I got my 'notice', but I thought I could do some good in their world.

Stupid me.

So, Grizz, as I said at your place, I forgave this kind of racism maybe hundreds of times over while I was out there, but it cost me 8 years of my life. And it burned me. Even when I found more liberal people to hang out with, I just couldn't take the risk anymore. Not as long as I was on that side of the Mississippi River. I decided then that never again will I be set up to believe that I'm accepted when I'm really not. Never again will I spend another minute of my life on that gamble.

LW, please believe me. I have nothing against you. I love your gentleness and your concern for everyone whom you visit. I see you in this cypher of bloggers and you. are. WONDERFUL. And you've overcome so much as well. I fully acknowledge and salute your resiliency and your strength. God, if only I had a tenth of what you've got...
What you read from me on this topic is how I survive. You have noting at all to apologize for.
Some of my coping mechanisms are flawed--I know this. Some of them have left me lonely and insecure. Some of them have paralyzed me. But right now, what I do, how I react, it's what makes me feel safe.

I just have to feel safe or else I can't function in the necessary things, like getting up for work in the morning. Going to work at night. Paying my debts. Getting food in my gut.

I am the only one I can depend on to get these things done and I can't afford to fail again. There's not another George waiting to take me off the street again after another eviction (or after I've been kicked to the curb by another dissatified love). I just don't have a whole bunch of years to spend making the same mistakes that I've already made.

Little Wing said...

Alan tell me this, do you think that some of your flawed coping mechanisms are caused by the racism you have encountered, or could some of them be caused by a dysfunctional childhood. Maybe a combination of both?
I have a few flawed coping tricks myself, well I am sure they would be considered flawed by a mental health councilor, but I know they are there because of a dysfunctional childhood in which I learned to never ask for anything from anyone and above all never depend on anyone but myself.
p.s. do you mind if I link you to my blog?

Alan said...

I'd say it was the childhood. There are different ways I could have gone in and come out of that experience. For one, if I hadn't been so needy for acceptance and love, I would not have tolerated that kind of treatment. If I had thought I was worth more, I would not have settled.

And if I had not already been so burned by the caregivers in my life, who I was supposed to trust and gain a sense of safety and well-being from, then I wouldn't have this shell around me.

Since I am a mental health counselor, I can tell you that these coping mechanisms are only flawed when they impair our functioning. For myself, I'd say I'm impaired from gaining a significant other. You would have to judge for yourself if you have an impairment.

Because in the long run, we all cope in different ways, and if it works for us, then it works. If we can live with the consequences of our actions, or reactions, then we only have to tell ourselves that "this is me" and move on.

Alan said...

PS, yes you can link me. Thanks.

Little Wing said...

Thank you Alan, I just did.

Little Wing said...

Alan, please stop by my blog and pick up your 'Thinking Blogger Award'

Alan said...


Holy crap.

Little Wing, oh my god. You have absolutely no idea how much I needed something like this right now tonight.

Wowee wow-wow. Let's go see!!

MONA said...

Hi Alan. Congratulations over winning the thinking blogger award !

Psych services... you surely must make an interesting read.

Must visit again to go through your blog!

Coaster Punchman said...

Hi again Alan,
Wow, I've been reading through these comments and this is quite a discussion. I'll have to check out your blog more to see if there is more mention of this college you attended, because what you wrote about them here just blows my mind. No interracial dating? As a policy? I don't know what kind of school this was (i.e. sounds like Bob Jones University) but I would stay far, far away from a place like that.

Frankly if this college (or any other kind of institution) receives any kind of public funding I think they could get in trouble for violating various civil rights laws. That is just insane.

I'm sorry you had to endure that.

Being a member of my own minority group I am familiar with the sting of institutionalized bigotry, and it never stops hurting.

The world is so f-ed up that I don't blame you for being angry. When I stop to think about all the blatant but needless injustice in the world I feel pretty damn angry myself.