The Default

Grizz, this started as a Comment reply, but how I do go on. So here's a new post.

"Default" does mean being alone. Yet thanks to the internet and friends that I have in person, I'm not really ALONE alone.

and gosh, your analogy is perfect. You got a good sense. This is a marathon.

You know, when I really am running, the music in my headphones keeps me going until I reach my goal. It even gives me energy. My body syncopates to the rythym and I'm golden. In the life-marathon analogy, the music I use equates to all the activities that I mentioned. D&D, audio production, eating good food, real music, NYC ... They're amusements that I need to keep me 'running the race'.

But I can listen to music and not run too. lol. I could listen to music and just ... dance, I suppose. Dance in place.

And why would I stop running? Only, I guess, if I didn't want to go across the finish line anymore. If the prize was no longer worth the struggle of racing.

Here's the real deal. The really real. I don't know what the prize actually is. I don't really know what is happening to you guys when you all get these husbands and wives and children and things. I don't really know. I see from everyone's blogs that there is happiness involved, as well as some pain and some frustration and heartache. I see all that. Aand I have a passion to see people be in successful significant relationships because it looks all so very nice. I can imagine that it is, when it works.

But I don't know what it feels like. I've never had it. And what you never had, you can't miss, right? Heh.

But it's like the concept of Heaven for me. I've never been there, but I sure would like to go. And yet, when religions tell me how to go, and what I have to do in order to qualify for my spot there, sometimes I feel like following the instructions -- and sometimes following the instructions are a royal pain in the ass. And also sometimes, there's a possibility that there isn't really any Heaven at all and I'm wasting time trying to qualify when I should be just enjoying the little bit of life I have left here.

And around and around it goes. Heaven, love, it's all the same thing. I've had glimpses of these things, and like Fox Mulder, I want to believe. And that really is just where I'm at right now.