So I was looking for my comments at YouTube to find out how long ago I had noticed a cover artist and how long ago I had been leaving him messages because I found out from his postings that he had been in a band 25 years ago, and what I thought was a heck of a good try for an amateur was/is the latter day stylings of a professional musician.
Little bit of a letdown. My messages were all, "Great job! You're really good!" when he was probably all, "Fool, *I* know *that*!"
So I came here to see if I ever posted his vids into any of my blog entries and it seems that I didn't. But I did find that it's been two years since I acknowledged my gay self. And I have noticed that now it's going on THREE years. And I've noticed how sad it makes me to see such a lack of progress on my part. And I noticed how I slowed my blogging down because I didn't want to keep dealing with the same failure over and over again, and neither did you.
So I found this post which details the group of geeks to whom's wife I told my designation sexuale a few nights ago. One of those people in that video died last year of a heart attack. (I repeat that each time I talk about them now, because I didn't want to face it before.)
I found that back then, I had some crippling anxiety issues that I had taken meds for. I found that at another geek getaway, I stayed in my hotel room and blogged with you guys and ate at Olive Garden.
I found that I'm not much different now than I was then. I find that yes, I do get out more, and have more friends, (and the same ones also), and I don't need the meds anymore to get me to go to a new social venue and meet people. But I still drop jobs like a neurotic person. I still live with someone instead of on my own. I still under-earn like an absolute wanker. I still hope for something (well, ANYthing really) that I haven't been able to achieve. I'm still weird and strange.
Surely I'm autistic? I live inside here and have not blogged or medicated my way out yet. I still hate mornings enough to reject fulltime work, even when I had it.
So anyway, it seems obvious to me that I've lost 2010. I've no idea where it went. It seems like it was a great year for many of you guys, though. So that's great.
So ... yeah.
That's just what's on my mind right now. Tomorrow is one of those insanely early days that I hate, but thankfully, it's only the one per week. So I should be going to sleep, but I've no chance of sleeping right now. Too many thoughts. And tomorrow, I'll have to clean the snow off the car practically at the crack of dawn to get going INTO the morning. No fun.
And I don't feel as coherent and as determined right now as I have in days (years) past. Little disappointed at that, really. I feel like there are some great things up in here that I keep failing to access. Well, I'll say that I have failed up to this point to access.
Who knows what tomorrow will show? I need to learn to ignore all the failed tomorrows of yesterday.
And ... just that's it right now.