So I come to my blog and I spew my latest vitriol, drop a few f-bombs, then I go out and tell someone else that I'm gay. Somehow this is a process for me.
Because this time I told one of the Inner Circle. That is to say, the band of geeks that I've gone down to North Carolina to meet, dine and share with at the comics convention --I told the wife of that group. Her husband is the glue that holds us together with his podcasts and his energy and near-autistic love for comics and us. Out of that group we lost the 36 year old brother to a massive heart attack a year ago from Thanksgiving.
She knitted me a hat and is knitting me a scarf out of no reason, just because she likes me and thinks I'm a great guy--and she's a Mom to all of us and she's a fantastic woman. So I felt the safest with her. Her husband will probably also not freak out too, too much--but I can tell he sometimes gets uncomfortable with homosexual things. And our Geekmates in the cipher, one is a church-working mid-American Christian. Another is a slightly effeminate single black fella transplanted down there. Another is a brilliant satirist young feller, single and unlucky at love, living with mental illness. Lastly is a handsome young stud-nerd who is just a few degrees of seperation away from normal. He's like the Marilyn of this Munster family.
They are the faces that I see so often whenever I fear rejection the hardest. They are the ones who project all sorts of ladykilling antics on me to live out their fantasies. And they are the ones who, if a Gay Me repulses them, will hurt like a bitch. A biiiiitch. And no amount of "Well fuck that guy!"'s will make the pain vanish. I'm getting choked up right now just contemplating it.
But yeah. I keep saying it and it keeps being true. I can't stay like this, frozen and frightened and alone and lonely. Since the Amazing Mister Cosplaying Superhero Comic Nerd He-Man Gay Dude hasn't come to sweep me off my feet and out of my closet, I'm going to have to do it the slow hard way, on my own.
I have to take on the identity for everybody to see.
Then I have to start living out in the open.
Because I'm dying here in the dark.