When I Need A Pick Me Up, by my friend Ryan King

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Which Way Is Up?

So I've been closer to the idea of 'coming out' to ALL my internet geek friends, and not just the one I liked and trusted the most, leaving it to his discretion to tell others.

Then yesterday I learned that New York State overturned a proposal for gay marriage. Then today I learn the mom from Family Ties had been gay for the last 7 years. She was married three times and has five children. Quote; Baxter has also come clean to her five kids, according to People. Her 25-year-old son Peter was all smiles. He told the magazine that he "just couldn't stop smiling, because she finally figured it out."

And it's all such a mishmash. Back when I didn't dare admit that what I felt was homosexual in nature, I HATED all the gay this and gay that talk in the media. Why did we have to know all this? Why couldn't people keep it all private? It was all too scary and too close to me.

And now I almost feel the same way, even though I know what I am. Because it's still such confusing news. Clearly I think in terms of black & white. I wanted to believe that I could have these urges & attractions and still live a hetero lifestyle. Meredith Baxter did. But all this "She finally figured it out" stuff seems like I'd be doing something stupid if I tried to get with a woman. That I can't have it both ways--either it's gay or straight with no 'in-between.' EVEN THOUGH I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT PEOPLE DO LIVE BISEXUALLY. Then my state decides it shouldn't be legal for gays to be married. So it's clear that my fears of coming out are legitimate. My own state, and dozens of others, are not willing to accept gay as a legitimate, valid mode of humanity.

So here I sit. Planning to go to find the "man of my dreams" this weekend while many social signals are telling me that it's wrong to do so, and OTHER signals are telling me how awesome it would be to get a girl, meet the expectations put on me, and make a few children that will delight me forever.

Sometime life can be so ridiculous.


The Neighbor said...

I think there are good things to coming out. The people who matter will not care, really. If they do, it's their burden, in my opinion. On the flip side, with everyone knowing what your deal is, you might find you get asked about why you're perennially single, which could be both motivating and intimidating.

I say go for it. You only get one ticket on this ride; may as well make it as interesting as possible.

Me said...

You know, Ned, I'm surprised I haven't already been asked about my singleness. They (the comic geeks) all know I'm in my 40's and they've never known me to have had a girlfriend. Other than the guy I already told, and those close to him who he said were wondering, there has to be some wider speculation. Plus, yeah, I do flirt an awful lot online with the guys. But I do it in a way that has already been set up--lots of manflirting between married fathers. I'm just joining in and getting my own little private jollies with it.

I sense that I will eventually go for it, Ned. I've been moving closer to it the same way I've moved here to the spot I'm in now, with the admissions I've made thus far. To which, again, I'll always have love for you for coming through with blinding love when I was wrestling with the scariest part of this.

What may or may not be funny right now is how much my geek buddies take for granted that I'm straight, and project their fantasies of Barry White-esque conquests on me. They have nicknames for me based on what magic they think I make between the sheets with the ladies. And because of my own fear, I play into that. Plus I'd love for what they think of me to be true. I roleplay their fantasies the same way I roleplay a superhero on ChampionsOnline.

But when I finally lay it out, they're in for quite a game-changer and I think I might lose one or two of them. Or a great many more. I'll no longer be who they thought I was. And even if in the long run, they weren't the kind of people that would matter to my life, it's going to be painful as hell. It'll be like losing a significant pen-pal because we meet for the first time and he finds out that I'm black.

But yeah, I'm moving closer to putting it out there. Integrating all this Me-ness into one coherent package for better or for worse. Maybe excisizing this particular flavor of stress will make up for what I'll lose.

We'll see.

Coaster Punchman said...

Screw the social signals. You'll get over it and just live your life in due time. I think it will be fun when you do!