When I Need A Pick Me Up, by my friend Ryan King

Monday, December 7, 2009

Another Step Closer...

...to full disclosure.

I strongly hinted earlier today to another of my most favored and cherished comicbook internet geek buddies what might be going on behind my cowl.

On Facebook, he overloaded my senses today with--in addition to his amazing wit, gorgeous wife and two crazy-cute kids--a posting of videos with him singing at karaoke, and he's as good as ANY professional. So, as is my wont, I plied him with the usual praise because, dammit, he deserved it and life is short and people ort ta git their flowers while they're still alive! And I pointed out that on Facebook his wife ticked the "Like This" box on his songs. Which to me was awesome. A wife "liking" her husband. So I went on to comment about that too. Then I got the idea of how to turn his singing into a nice Christmas present for the wife, and shared that with him as well. (That's more of my projecting, I imagine. Sort of the "what I would do if I were stright, could sing, and had a wife who 'liked' me, and who gave me two beautiful children" fantasy.)

Well, he appreciated my ideas and he said, "Poetic as ever. How are you still single?" Which oddly enough, is not asked of me often, thankfully.

So, because my heart was already open and because this guy seems to value me too, I answered him back thusly; "Think about it, my friend." And left it at that.

Now, in the past, when I would tweet about something gay in the news, he would tweet back "Aha! I knew it!!!!!" jokingly. And of course, during the course of jests, I'm not going to open up that can a' worms. But today was different. He wasn't joking. And this was a private exchange. So ... I picked my moment. If he asks anything further, I'll tell him everything. I might even give him the link to this blog and he can read it all for himself.

And my fears are the same as they have been in the past, but not nearly as horrifying. I love this guy and it would really bring me down low if he rejected me for being gay. It would put a lie to everything I thought about his personality, and it would be Big Pain if I lost him and his affection and sense of humor.

But he's not given me too much reason to believe he'll do that. He's not romanticized my character like some have and postulated about my exploits as Black Dynamite with the ladies. He puts a lot of his own personality and thoughts out onto the internet and nothing in any of that has been homophobic. So I guess I trust him. And too ... well, I guess I've gotten to a point where if this is all going to come tumbling down--I tell the wrong person and it explodes, well ... so what. I got it honest. I've never tried to harm anyone or break up anyone's marriage with my flirtatious ways. I adore the straight male. I champion the cause of the strong, faithful, loving and honest family men. I am his strongest advocate. It's everything I would want--HAVE wanted--for myself. All my life. And if I could find a switch inside and recalibrate my sex, I would in a heartbeat. In less than a heartbeat. I'd do it in a heartbreak.

But I'm what I turned out to be, and all I want is to be loved. I've got the rest of my life to figure out how to make that happen for me.

This is just another step closer to it.

So we'll see what happens.

Wish me the best.

(and ... exhale)

1 comment:

The Neighbor said...

I'm offended that you suspect for an instant you are not loved. And now I'm over it. Love conquers all.