Another of my geek friends now knows me for what I am (see last post) and he's still treating me the same. He even said, I don't care if its with a man, woman or beast--why are you still single?
Well I certainly am feeling the singleness these days, femme tell ya. And I realize that I've been doing something...semisneaky. The flirting I do online with the menfolk...I'm trying to seduce somebody. Essentially. One of these fantastically brilliant and comicbook loving men. The handsome ones. I want to discover, with my flirting, that they feel like I do. And that at some comic convention soon, on one of these rendezvous, our eyes will meet across a spinner rack of Fantastic Four and we'll fall in love.
That's just not been the reality though. All my geek brethren love fish. And the three that I know to be gay are not my type. Even tho one of them shaves his head.
Enter stage left; Christmas 2009 and the death of one of my closer geek buddies.
Add to it the limbo of that 2nd job still not giving me the job yet plus the sun going down at 4:25p in the frickin m, and you have one sad little panda who feels very alone these days.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
Another Step Closer...
...to full disclosure.
I strongly hinted earlier today to another of my most favored and cherished comicbook internet geek buddies what might be going on behind my cowl.
On Facebook, he overloaded my senses today with--in addition to his amazing wit, gorgeous wife and two crazy-cute kids--a posting of videos with him singing at karaoke, and he's as good as ANY professional. So, as is my wont, I plied him with the usual praise because, dammit, he deserved it and life is short and people ort ta git their flowers while they're still alive! And I pointed out that on Facebook his wife ticked the "Like This" box on his songs. Which to me was awesome. A wife "liking" her husband. So I went on to comment about that too. Then I got the idea of how to turn his singing into a nice Christmas present for the wife, and shared that with him as well. (That's more of my projecting, I imagine. Sort of the "what I would do if I were stright, could sing, and had a wife who 'liked' me, and who gave me two beautiful children" fantasy.)
Well, he appreciated my ideas and he said, "Poetic as ever. How are you still single?" Which oddly enough, is not asked of me often, thankfully.
So, because my heart was already open and because this guy seems to value me too, I answered him back thusly; "Think about it, my friend." And left it at that.
Now, in the past, when I would tweet about something gay in the news, he would tweet back "Aha! I knew it!!!!!" jokingly. And of course, during the course of jests, I'm not going to open up that can a' worms. But today was different. He wasn't joking. And this was a private exchange. So ... I picked my moment. If he asks anything further, I'll tell him everything. I might even give him the link to this blog and he can read it all for himself.
And my fears are the same as they have been in the past, but not nearly as horrifying. I love this guy and it would really bring me down low if he rejected me for being gay. It would put a lie to everything I thought about his personality, and it would be Big Pain if I lost him and his affection and sense of humor.
But he's not given me too much reason to believe he'll do that. He's not romanticized my character like some have and postulated about my exploits as Black Dynamite with the ladies. He puts a lot of his own personality and thoughts out onto the internet and nothing in any of that has been homophobic. So I guess I trust him. And too ... well, I guess I've gotten to a point where if this is all going to come tumbling down--I tell the wrong person and it explodes, well ... so what. I got it honest. I've never tried to harm anyone or break up anyone's marriage with my flirtatious ways. I adore the straight male. I champion the cause of the strong, faithful, loving and honest family men. I am his strongest advocate. It's everything I would want--HAVE wanted--for myself. All my life. And if I could find a switch inside and recalibrate my sex, I would in a heartbeat. In less than a heartbeat. I'd do it in a heartbreak.
But I'm what I turned out to be, and all I want is to be loved. I've got the rest of my life to figure out how to make that happen for me.
This is just another step closer to it.
So we'll see what happens.
Wish me the best.
(and ... exhale)
I strongly hinted earlier today to another of my most favored and cherished comicbook internet geek buddies what might be going on behind my cowl.
On Facebook, he overloaded my senses today with--in addition to his amazing wit, gorgeous wife and two crazy-cute kids--a posting of videos with him singing at karaoke, and he's as good as ANY professional. So, as is my wont, I plied him with the usual praise because, dammit, he deserved it and life is short and people ort ta git their flowers while they're still alive! And I pointed out that on Facebook his wife ticked the "Like This" box on his songs. Which to me was awesome. A wife "liking" her husband. So I went on to comment about that too. Then I got the idea of how to turn his singing into a nice Christmas present for the wife, and shared that with him as well. (That's more of my projecting, I imagine. Sort of the "what I would do if I were stright, could sing, and had a wife who 'liked' me, and who gave me two beautiful children" fantasy.)
Well, he appreciated my ideas and he said, "Poetic as ever. How are you still single?" Which oddly enough, is not asked of me often, thankfully.
So, because my heart was already open and because this guy seems to value me too, I answered him back thusly; "Think about it, my friend." And left it at that.
Now, in the past, when I would tweet about something gay in the news, he would tweet back "Aha! I knew it!!!!!" jokingly. And of course, during the course of jests, I'm not going to open up that can a' worms. But today was different. He wasn't joking. And this was a private exchange. So ... I picked my moment. If he asks anything further, I'll tell him everything. I might even give him the link to this blog and he can read it all for himself.
And my fears are the same as they have been in the past, but not nearly as horrifying. I love this guy and it would really bring me down low if he rejected me for being gay. It would put a lie to everything I thought about his personality, and it would be Big Pain if I lost him and his affection and sense of humor.
But he's not given me too much reason to believe he'll do that. He's not romanticized my character like some have and postulated about my exploits as Black Dynamite with the ladies. He puts a lot of his own personality and thoughts out onto the internet and nothing in any of that has been homophobic. So I guess I trust him. And too ... well, I guess I've gotten to a point where if this is all going to come tumbling down--I tell the wrong person and it explodes, well ... so what. I got it honest. I've never tried to harm anyone or break up anyone's marriage with my flirtatious ways. I adore the straight male. I champion the cause of the strong, faithful, loving and honest family men. I am his strongest advocate. It's everything I would want--HAVE wanted--for myself. All my life. And if I could find a switch inside and recalibrate my sex, I would in a heartbeat. In less than a heartbeat. I'd do it in a heartbreak.
But I'm what I turned out to be, and all I want is to be loved. I've got the rest of my life to figure out how to make that happen for me.
This is just another step closer to it.
So we'll see what happens.
Wish me the best.
(and ... exhale)
Saturday, December 5, 2009
On the fly...
Well here I am in rainy, downtown Williamsburg, Brooklyn, looking for Hunky Comics Geek. I'ma give myself some credit because I did come out of the house when most of me was ready to stay inside. All day. I went to the venue and had a walk around. The need for bathroom was a marvellous motivator. And well, I didn't see him. And my coward's heart rejoiced. So then I found no internet/phoneservice in the venue and left in search of the same plus lunch. I find I like Williamsburg. Yummy lunch.
And I'll go back to the venue and see what more I can find. Or who.
And I'll go back to the venue and see what more I can find. Or who.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Which Way Is Up?
So I've been closer to the idea of 'coming out' to ALL my internet geek friends, and not just the one I liked and trusted the most, leaving it to his discretion to tell others.
Then yesterday I learned that New York State overturned a proposal for gay marriage. Then today I learn the mom from Family Ties had been gay for the last 7 years. She was married three times and has five children. Quote; Baxter has also come clean to her five kids, according to People. Her 25-year-old son Peter was all smiles. He told the magazine that he "just couldn't stop smiling, because she finally figured it out."
And it's all such a mishmash. Back when I didn't dare admit that what I felt was homosexual in nature, I HATED all the gay this and gay that talk in the media. Why did we have to know all this? Why couldn't people keep it all private? It was all too scary and too close to me.
And now I almost feel the same way, even though I know what I am. Because it's still such confusing news. Clearly I think in terms of black & white. I wanted to believe that I could have these urges & attractions and still live a hetero lifestyle. Meredith Baxter did. But all this "She finally figured it out" stuff seems like I'd be doing something stupid if I tried to get with a woman. That I can't have it both ways--either it's gay or straight with no 'in-between.' EVEN THOUGH I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT PEOPLE DO LIVE BISEXUALLY. Then my state decides it shouldn't be legal for gays to be married. So it's clear that my fears of coming out are legitimate. My own state, and dozens of others, are not willing to accept gay as a legitimate, valid mode of humanity.
So here I sit. Planning to go to find the "man of my dreams" this weekend while many social signals are telling me that it's wrong to do so, and OTHER signals are telling me how awesome it would be to get a girl, meet the expectations put on me, and make a few children that will delight me forever.
Sometime life can be so ridiculous.
Then yesterday I learned that New York State overturned a proposal for gay marriage. Then today I learn the mom from Family Ties had been gay for the last 7 years. She was married three times and has five children. Quote; Baxter has also come clean to her five kids, according to People. Her 25-year-old son Peter was all smiles. He told the magazine that he "just couldn't stop smiling, because she finally figured it out."
And it's all such a mishmash. Back when I didn't dare admit that what I felt was homosexual in nature, I HATED all the gay this and gay that talk in the media. Why did we have to know all this? Why couldn't people keep it all private? It was all too scary and too close to me.
And now I almost feel the same way, even though I know what I am. Because it's still such confusing news. Clearly I think in terms of black & white. I wanted to believe that I could have these urges & attractions and still live a hetero lifestyle. Meredith Baxter did. But all this "She finally figured it out" stuff seems like I'd be doing something stupid if I tried to get with a woman. That I can't have it both ways--either it's gay or straight with no 'in-between.' EVEN THOUGH I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT PEOPLE DO LIVE BISEXUALLY. Then my state decides it shouldn't be legal for gays to be married. So it's clear that my fears of coming out are legitimate. My own state, and dozens of others, are not willing to accept gay as a legitimate, valid mode of humanity.
So here I sit. Planning to go to find the "man of my dreams" this weekend while many social signals are telling me that it's wrong to do so, and OTHER signals are telling me how awesome it would be to get a girl, meet the expectations put on me, and make a few children that will delight me forever.
Sometime life can be so ridiculous.
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