Would It Be A Waste?

Adele is a sober, non-crack taking Amy Winehouse. She's as English as Amy too. Her, Duffy, Leona Lewis, Lily Allen--lots of British girls gettin' their funky divas on!

Yeah, I just want to BE in the relationship already. The Past Girl can definitely use a margin of time to approach the idea of a relationship and I'm the guy seemingly in a rush. Best case scenario is that I'm the first person she's considered in that way since her fiancee died. I'm sure I heard her say that she was wondering if this meant she was supposed to just rest for a while, in a What-does-God-want-me-to-do-now? sense, which, yeah--she has that spiritual outlook and has done since the first time I re-met her, and it's a big part of her character and her strength, and of my attraction to her. She's probably more spiritual than me these days. And yes, she reminds me a HELL of a lot of you Grizz. She's loving and supportive and kind like you. So she just may be gun-shy of another relationship right now. Which means I should wait it out.

And why not? I'm only in a rush because I'll be 45 this year. But I need to get out of my rush. There's no one else on my horizon that I like better. Which, oddly enough, I realize there are at least two others on my horizon, which doesn't include My Colleague, btw. Ned helped me get over her real quick. (She's flirting with me while she's got a man.) There are two ladies at the day job, at two different sites, who really put on the flirt when I come around. I've spoken about one already, but I've said nothing about the other, who is a supervisor at the site where I first met The Past Girl. But Supervisor Girl smokes occasionally and she talks to herself while using the bathroom (Yes, sorry, it's true. That's the only way I'd know it--because she talks to herself LOUDLY.) Funny but scary. The other one, I was very close to asking out, which again, I haven't mentioned -- or maybe I did? -- but I have said I have a crush on. Her signals are much clearer than The Past Girl's, but she (let's call her Director Girl) has a temper that I've seen in meetings that we've attended together. Director Girl is open with her emotions, which is how I can tell she digs me every time we cross paths, and that's what I'm sure I respond to. I like being found attractive. But again, I'm sure that temper will come into play as well as her affection if she and I were ever in a relationship and I'm just not trying to have it.

The Past Girl doesn't seem anything like that. She might in fact be missing that aspect of personality. She says she has "blonde moments." She covers up her insecurities with words and laughter. And colored contacts. And faith in God?

I don't know. Maybe I'm not good for her. Maybe I'd be cruel. Or maybe I'd drag her faith down with my wounds and scars. Maybe I'm worse than I think I am.

I don't know. All I know is, she fits me. There is no fear or trepidation when I think of her. I only hesitate when I think of putting an end to the positive aspects of my aloneness. There is an unaccountability that I live by, and I enjoy it. I want to get on a train and bop down to get fried shrimp? I do it. I want to stay in the room all day on my one day off and produce audio drama? I do it. I want to blow 40 bucks on comics and read them while eating Lay's BBQ potato chips in bed? Crunch crunch crunch!! I want to look at pictures of the buff men in the brightly colored speedos? (Which actually? IS reading superhero comics! Why didn't I realize that before??) Click click click!!

But ultimately, loving someone is more human than being alone.

And I want to be human.

So yes, Grizz, I agree. I should keep chasing pavements. Even if it leads nowhere.