But it was Americana at its best. MFTD didn't cry when I gave him my gift, but he did buy a house.
Thank God for my meds.
So I bemoaned my sad featureless fate to my other friend, late last night (well, he asked), and he leapt to my rescue. He did something on a personal level (as opposed to a professional one) that I've really only gotten here in print--he said nice things about me. I've mentioned this friend before, and he has a Name that I gave him here at Redeemable Life (and a tag I can use to categorize this post) but I won't use it.
Because he has become a real friend. The friend I wanted him to be when I first met him. He's that kind of friend. And often I asked myself, "What does he want to be MY friend for?" I mean, I knew why I wanted to be HIS friend, but I didn't understand the reciprocation. Until last night. Because of the things he said to me.
I was listening to NPR yesterday afternoon, before I learned that MFTD bought a house, and it was Teri Gross on "Fresh Air" talking to a Lincoln historian about the possibility that Lincoln was gay because of a friendship he had with a man named Speed. In letters between the two, very affectionate words were found that seemed above the limits of hetero-ness. But the historian pointed out the texts of other manletters back in Lincoln's day where men would pour out their feelings for one another without the stigma of sexual identity or interpretation. What they felt, they said.
And that's the friend that I'm talking about. He says what he feels, good or bad, right or wrong. So I believed him when he told me my worth and my potential--and of his affection for me. And it isn't as if you guys haven't told me the same--but there seems to be a difference between the written word and the spoken word. I hear the heart behind the voice. And I really. REALLY. needed it last night.
I love my friend.
So NutriMe is 187 lbs. now, making my weight loss up to 10 lbs. I have been cheating, just not crazily so, and not getting to the gym as often as I'd like since my boss (The Director of our department) is on vacation--entering week two of it--and I'm now the acting director. Thankfully, I haven't had to actually work harder, but the potential is there and it keeps me on my toes.
Again, thank God for my meds.
All this pressure and failure to perform in the adult arena would have hit me a LOT harder this time last year. My friend helped me see that and a bunch of things more. Like how it's a good thing that I feel dissatisfied.
For if not, I'd never change. But I am dissatisfied, and I am going to change. I've got 20 more lbs. to go, and a full time job to replace. He asked me what my wishes would be if I got hold of a Ring of Three Wishes. It didn't take me long to answer.1) To Get Rid All My Debt.
2) To Own (so that the only payments I had to make were utilities) An Apartment in Midtown Manhattan.
3) To Not Want A Significant Love In My Life.
What would yours be?
3 comments:
Tribesman Alan, how I wish I had the courage to meet you when you came down. I will explain one day, when I can face down my own failings, but tonight, I will only say that I value you above many people I have not only met, but deal with every day.
I listened to the same story on NPR - and my opinion has always been that we are all living on a scale of who we are attracted to. Some of us are 90% sure of who we want. Some of us are 50%, 40%, 30%. Some of us will never know, never find out. Right now, my love for people should not be measured on any such scale, but I love my e-friend and tribesman as well. If I could grant three wishes, they are yours for the taking.
However, for the record, there is no 3-sided die.
Mine would be:
1. To know my heart's desire. To really know it.
2. To truly be free from attachment and wanting - to be free of material or selfish wants. To be zen incarnate, whatever the price.
3. To have the ability to give whatever is needed, wherever it is needed - this alone would fill my heart to overflowing. If I had but one wish, I am sure I would only want the ability to grant wishes and to feel the reward of doing so.
Selfish me.
Hey My Ned, I smiled to think of us listening to the same show at the same time. I was driving in my car, leaving Edison NJ, cursing the slow drivers on Rt. 27 where it seems a cultural norm to go below 20 mph.
When I heard those letters being read, I felt how much my heart needs a person I could sit across from and just talk to. Talk to like I'm posting a blog entry. Which is why I suppose I actually do blog. I suppose this is what boyfriends and girlfriends, lovers, and spouses do (when it's working). And I suppose also that we all have had, or do have, only a very few people in our lives to whom we feel that close. I can do this with MFTD, but extenuating circumstances, like my jealousy and raging inferior complex, are getting in the way.
I hate being this needy, but I think it's a normal human need. I don't think we're made to be solitary creatures, no matter how hard I'm trying to be one. And on top of it, I'd like to be touched sometimes. I'd like that. To hug. To close my eyes and rest with someone, and feel their pulse against my face. And you know what else? I don't even care who in my life it's with. I don't care if it's a guy friend or a girlfriend.
lol, this brings me to a Friends episode when Ross and Joey find themselves attracted to napping together on a couch in Joey's apartment. I think it started by accident, they both fell asleep on the couch and Ross woke up with his head on Joey's chest, and Joey's arm around him. (They were fully clothed) At first they were freaked, but then later in the show, they were in the same position, alone, and Joey's like, "Come on, you know you want to." Next thing you know, they're getting caught waking up in the nap position by the other four.
And I thought, "What's wrong with that? Girls do it all the time." (Maybe not nap, but they're intimate in so many other wonderful ways (when it works)).
I better go look for my "Free Hugs" sign.
Meanwhile Ned, don't condemn yourself over my time in NC. Your words are better than having nothing at all.
Ok guys...hope I'm not busting in on a quiet moment.. =)
The moment you feel that incredible surge of love and commraderie for another person - that's a powerful, serene moment. It's a beautiful feeling. Imagine the world a different place if every fifth person you know, could be in that vibe at least two days a week.
Alan, I LOVE Friends. I could picture that episode quite clearly. What a cast!!!
I have read in all my new age mumbo jumbo (and mix it in with my traditional religion), something along the lines of - if something isn't resonating with you, you are not being who you are. When something does, obviously the opposite is true - you are being who you are. And when we are who we are - uncensored, unequivocally, what can feel better? We are aligned with all that is beautiful and abundant and free. I suppose its all about feeling. Knowing where your bullshit barometers are, being brave enough to not cave in to anyone else's idea or you, or pressures. You know how hard it is - to be YOU instead of having to placate someone else's feelings so that you don't come off abrasive.
Sorry for the near Chakra reading here....
Three wishes huh?
1) To feel and be serene and peaceful and full of love 100%
I think just that one would solve it all.
2) To bitch slap that Greg Brady look alike who pissed me off last weekend....Coming Soon to a Blog near you... (ok kidding - I just needed to say it out loud)
3) A long and healthy life for both of my kids as well as this planet.
Sorry for the ramble...it's getting late and I've got Harry Potter on again in the background. I simply can't think straight when Snapey is around.
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