A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum

Haha!! That IS funny because that's actually the name of the movie that I'm stealing for this post!

But I meant the title in regards to the online comicbook forum that I go to to share my geekdom, where also there is a weightloss thread where we are sharing our gains, losses, successes, joys, defeats, whatevs. So remember the post where the guy I was telling you about put up a pic of himself shirtless which served to remind me how homosexual I am? Well he struck again. Another picture and he's put on some real muscle. Now he's not just cute. He's hot.

Well, I've made some changes too.

1) I did call back my ex- and we had a nice long talk. If you want to know how that went, listen to this song;

Just take out the grocery store, her car & the beer and substitute "her architect" for "her enlisted military guy" and add a 5 year old daughter. She might want me, but I doubt it. She's a good girl and wouldn't do that to her husband. She might be lonely, but she won't be when he's back home from deployment. For myself, I know I don't want her because if I did, she'd never have become my ex-. After our talk, I reconciled myself with that fact and I'm okay with that now. Closure is a fantastic thing.

2) I've made some new progress in my fitness goals. I'm a bonafide RUNNER now, and I can go 5 miles without stopping. As a result of getting this far, I'm down to 175 lbs. This was my goal back when I was 216 lbs. So I feel real good about that. I have about 1/5th of the moobs that I used to and my stomach is no longer an outty. I can lean back in anything I wear now, and you can't see it anymore. So THAT'S cool. So when I saw the New Hunk a bit ago on the message board, I didn't get the sinking feeling of despair. It occured to me that yes, someone else can look hot, but I can now look hot too! It ISN'T hopeless for me. There IS a sixpack under all this. My chest CAN look tight and sexy. My shoulders CAN have heads and sculpts. It just took me to lose my last 10 lbs. So now my new goal is 165.

3) When I first saw The New Hunk with his shirt off, I flirted a little with him, which means I complimented him. Being a socially awkward geek, he privately messaged me instantly to say I was either gay or reallllllllly secure in my hetereosexualness. I private messaged him back to tell him I was neither.

No, I didn't take the "same old hiding denial" route. I told him the truth. I told him that I've never been with a guy but I sure do think guys are hot, and if I was going to be anything, it is that I'll be gay.

See, what I knew as I was answering him back is that he's married and he lives in Canada. So no matter what I tell him, he wasn't going to cross any lines with me. I could tell him whatever I felt like and nothing would happen. So I told him the truth. This may sound like the thing I always have done, this "truth" thing, but there was a difference this time.

This time I had no hope held out that he would somehow be gay as well and reach out to me in my loneliness. This time I felt resigned and I had decided. I'm gay-oriented but I'll most likely never do anything about it, so who cares if I tell a hot stranger that I met on a messageboard? Who cares if he tells anybody else? Who cares if anyone else finds out?

What are they going to do for me? Anything? Are they going to take it away? Are they going to make it okay? Are they going to find me a hot man?

No. They won't do jackshit for me, so who cares what they know?

And why should I be the one to tell them anyway?

It's my personal business.

They don't want to know because nobody else is asking.

They want me defined as a neat little image in their heads. They want me funny, not tragic. They want me to be a womanizer, a 1970's pimp, a Jungle Brother. Not a lonely and angry homo.

So fuck them.

Anyway. I thought I came here to say that I was better with seeing a hot dude that I can't have, and I do still think I am better in that regard. But I'm not at my best. Even at 41 pounds lighter than I was two years ago.

No. Rather, I'm in this alone. Again.

And I'm dealing.

And I will win.

One day.

Still Mad

So, yeah. I saw Bridesmaids today. I shouldn't watch chick flicks. Even when they are much less chicky. Because inevitably, in whatever measure, they major on relationships--and I don't.

Yesterday, my Con Buddy took me for a daytrip to Baltimore to see a culture museum and get away from the ratrace. I mainly went to be with someone and share the day. It was a nice time that was spent with laughter and conversation and too much food that I have to spend all week working off. A nice time, right? Yes. A nice time.

I should try to grow this relationship. He really does like me for a friend. He likes things about me that he doesn't find in other people. And I have a lot of availability, so that should work out in his favor too.

And I was able to distance my crush on him all day yesterday. I was able to notice that he bites his fingernails way too much and that his arms are thin. I was able to talk myself out of wanting more from him that I won't ever get. And that's good, right? It's not like I haven't had practice at this. In fact my life is pretty littered with the wreckage of doomed crushes that have never been fulfilled.

We'll see what's what when I get a set of abs I can bare in public. We'll see if Teh Cute Masculine Gays will want me then. We'll see if I get a chance then. Maybe I'll reject them this time. Maybe I'll never be with anyone, but be happy.

Maybe.

But I'm mad about it.

And Do-Over Again

So since my ex called, I haven't given it a repeat listen. It seems the memory of her voice is crystal clear. And I've toyed with how many ways I was going to call her back. What tone to set? What content? Confident? Cocky? Angry? Sad? Needy? Vulnerable? Honest?

Honest?

And then I just thought, if she wants me--I'm doing it. If she wants me--I want her. I want that normal life. I want that chance. I want it back. I want to fit in. I want acceptance from everyone who I fear will reject me.

I thought that, yes, I tried dating a man--but I couldn't seal the deal. I couldn't even kiss him. Too terrified. So I figured I could just forget I ever said anything. Just stop talking about it. Go with a girl who wants me, and I'll figure stuf out. I like to watch hetero porn a lot of times, still! So what, I think dudes are hot? So what??!! Girls think girls are hot too!!! They even kiss each other!!! That doesn't make THEM gay!!!! SO WHY DO I HAVE TO BE GAY!!?? WHYYYYY!!!!!!!???

And that's where I was at. Then I came home and checked out--went to play ChampionsOnline and listen to my friends' podcasts just to let all this pressure go.

Then I checked the comics' messageboards hangout where I chatbout comics with, and dipped in to a weight-loss thread to check out the latest progress of my cyberfriends. And lo and behold, what did I see? A fellow geek was so proud of his current weightloss that he posted a pic of himself flexing his biceps, sans shirt.

And he is so fucking cute I wanted to cry.

And now I'm like fffffffuuuuuuuck. Imagine I'm trying to date a girl who wants me when I'm having a reaction like this out of NOWHERE. Minding my own fucking business and then this guy strips his shirt off and suddenly my heart's doing a motherfucking cha-cha.

What the fuck, man. I cannot win. I can't kiss a man and I can't date a woman.

The loneliest fucking place in the whole wide world.

You know what Jesus? If you're coming tomorrow then come the fuck on because I'm quite done. This life you gave me is one tremendous clusterfuck and a total washout. Pretty fucking ridiculous fucking situation right here. You coming to get your faithful little perfect heterosexual angels, all fucking so merrily and having babies and getting married under your holy roof? Yes. Good. Take them and GO. All you and your people do is remind me of how UTTERLY FUCKED UP MY LIFE IS AND HOW THE FUCK MUCH I WISH I WERE FUCKING DEAD SO GOOD FUCKING JOB GOD, AND CONGRATU-FUCKING-LATIONS. AND THANKS FOR ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING.

Do-Overs

So on my phone right now is a message from my last girlfriend, whom I loved. When my life was messier than it is now. When I hoped I was straight and not gay.

I don't know why she called. She Googled me. She said in the message that she wanted to catch up. Last I'd heard, she'd gotten married.

Why do things like this happen?

Life is working out real well for so many of you out there. I'm happy for you all. And I was maintaining myself with the acknowledgement that I remain as you first found me. Conflicted, complex, maybe a little tragic - but human and therefore by dint of Creation, deserving of a little happiness, no matter what my lot is in life. So I went away for a Geekfest and I involve myself in creativity, imagination, entertainment and my career, which is fulfilling on many levels (except financially).

And also I've been running more regularly- not jogging but running. 6.0 miles/hour for 35 minutes, several times a week. That's the equivalent of a 5k race in a half hour. ME! Been getting below 185lbs and fighting to go lower. Been watching what I eat. Been tweeting and enjoying the words & pics of my many cyberfriends. Bought a speedo and trying to get to be a swimmer. Been just trying to live. Live... Even if it's alone.

So WHY did I have to hear her voice today? Why did she have to speak to me so kindly? Why am I still on her mind?

Don't get me wrong, we broke up wonderfully. No fighting, no hatred, no acrimony. She had concerns about me as a potential husband and so did I. When she lost faith, so did I. I let her go because she was right. Still she said she loved me, which was nice - but clearly, I didn't. Not enough, anyway. Not enough to take advantage of the evenings we spooned on the couch. Not enough to kiss her as deeply as she deserved.

Hearing her voice opened up a million emotions. I want to be what I could've been with her. I wanted to be her lover. I wanted to be her man. I wanted to be her protector, her partner, her friend. I want to be that. But I couldn't because nothing came naturally. It all felt like uncharted territory and I had/have no maps. That's where I was when I started all this bloggeration. Leaving Trenton, and her, and trying to make a new life.

And I'm still trying. And I feel like I'm failing. Or at least hearing her voice - knowing she's still real, and still out there with a mind that turned back towards me, even for the span of a phone message - reminds me how long I've been at this. It feels like failure.

I feel horribly inadequate and damaged and like such a terrible failure. It makes me very, very sad.

And I still have two clients left to see today. Well, thank God I do. Soon as they start to open up, I lose myself - and that sounds just like what the doctor ordered.

The One Month Match.Com Membership....

... is finished.

Not reactivating. I'm not attractive enough for the hunky handsome ones, apparently.

Oh well.

And also, Grim, the friend I re-united with, is acting like a right putz. I confronted him on his behavior (generally bullying of me to amuse himself) and now he's withdraw interacting with the group. He loves games, but mostly only if he wins. He's the sorest loser you ever met.

But this time, it's his decision, not mine. If he's doesn't want to be MY friend this time, that's on him. I can use one less sore-losing bully in this life. Especially that we're mostly in our fucking 40's. Grow. The. Fuck. Up.

When No Means ... Nothing

Wherein our hero hasn't heard from Blacks Only in more than a week, even though he had said he was still interested and that we'd do something before I left town last weekend. Mayhaps he was very, very busy. Mayhaps he chanced upon a better-looking man than I. Mayhaps I don't want it enough or else I'd pursue him more.

Because right now, I don't want it. I spent the weekend geeking out with my long distance friends at a meetup convention in PA. I had a great time answering no questions and being accepted. Knowing this familiar comfort made me want to stay single, celibate, and safe. I feel it right now as I'm typing. It'll change again and we'll see what I'll do when it does, but right now Blacks Only need not get back to me. Neither do that dozen or so gorgeous hairy chesty men I came across and dropped letters to and received no responses.

Ah life. You been mighty cruel but you're all I got.

The Road Not Taken

I chose to communicate with Blacks Only instead of He's A Doctor. I'm more attracted. He's got a cute smile. He seems more approachable. Or at least, he seems to fit into my affectionspace. Total chemistry at this point. He's not even hunky -- he's just ... I dunno. Handsome in an odd way. Imperfect. Juggy-shaped head, low ears. Square, dark eyes and straight eyebrows that frame the outer ridges, curving down towards jolly crinkles. A smile that looks warm, framed by a Frank Zappa goatee. It's just physical cues that make me want to know him--move into that space.

He might be a constant downer. He might hate everything. He might be hyper-feminine. He might have dealbreakers left & right. But physically, I've just got to meet him. See how that all looks in 3D. How it moves. How it sounds.

We'll meet before next week is out. He had grown-up stuff to do last weekend and I had grown-up stuff to do all week, and he's got grown-up stuff to do this weekend again. So before next week is over (when I depart for inner Pennsylvania and a Geek Retreat) we should be meeting. If he keeps having grown-up stuff to do, well ... I guess I wasn't all that.

But so far he sems to like me still. So we'll see what's what.