So on my phone right now is a message from my last girlfriend, whom I loved. When my life was messier than it is now. When I hoped I was straight and not gay.
I don't know why she called. She Googled me. She said in the message that she wanted to catch up. Last I'd heard, she'd gotten married.
Why do things like this happen?
Life is working out real well for so many of you out there. I'm happy for you all. And I was maintaining myself with the acknowledgement that I remain as you first found me. Conflicted, complex, maybe a little tragic - but human and therefore by dint of Creation, deserving of a little happiness, no matter what my lot is in life. So I went away for a Geekfest and I involve myself in creativity, imagination, entertainment and my career, which is fulfilling on many levels (except financially).
And also I've been running more regularly- not jogging but running. 6.0 miles/hour for 35 minutes, several times a week. That's the equivalent of a 5k race in a half hour. ME! Been getting below 185lbs and fighting to go lower. Been watching what I eat. Been tweeting and enjoying the words & pics of my many cyberfriends. Bought a speedo and trying to get to be a swimmer. Been just trying to live. Live... Even if it's alone.
So WHY did I have to hear her voice today? Why did she have to speak to me so kindly? Why am I still on her mind?
Don't get me wrong, we broke up wonderfully. No fighting, no hatred, no acrimony. She had concerns about me as a potential husband and so did I. When she lost faith, so did I. I let her go because she was right. Still she said she loved me, which was nice - but clearly, I didn't. Not enough, anyway. Not enough to take advantage of the evenings we spooned on the couch. Not enough to kiss her as deeply as she deserved.
Hearing her voice opened up a million emotions. I want to be what I could've been with her. I wanted to be her lover. I wanted to be her man. I wanted to be her protector, her partner, her friend. I want to be that. But I couldn't because nothing came naturally. It all felt like uncharted territory and I had/have no maps. That's where I was when I started all this bloggeration. Leaving Trenton, and her, and trying to make a new life.
And I'm still trying. And I feel like I'm failing. Or at least hearing her voice - knowing she's still real, and still out there with a mind that turned back towards me, even for the span of a phone message - reminds me how long I've been at this. It feels like failure.
I feel horribly inadequate and damaged and like such a terrible failure. It makes me very, very sad.
And I still have two clients left to see today. Well, thank God I do. Soon as they start to open up, I lose myself - and that sounds just like what the doctor ordered.