Memory Lane

So I was looking for my comments at YouTube to find out how long ago I had noticed a cover artist and how long ago I had been leaving him messages because I found out from his postings that he had been in a band 25 years ago, and what I thought was a heck of a good try for an amateur was/is the latter day stylings of a professional musician.

Little bit of a letdown. My messages were all, "Great job! You're really good!" when he was probably all, "Fool, *I* know *that*!"

Hehe.

So I came here to see if I ever posted his vids into any of my blog entries and it seems that I didn't. But I did find that it's been two years since I acknowledged my gay self. And I have noticed that now it's going on THREE years. And I've noticed how sad it makes me to see such a lack of progress on my part. And I noticed how I slowed my blogging down because I didn't want to keep dealing with the same failure over and over again, and neither did you.

So I found this post which details the group of geeks to whom's wife I told my designation sexuale a few nights ago. One of those people in that video died last year of a heart attack. (I repeat that each time I talk about them now, because I didn't want to face it before.)

I found that back then, I had some crippling anxiety issues that I had taken meds for. I found that at another geek getaway, I stayed in my hotel room and blogged with you guys and ate at Olive Garden.

I found that I'm not much different now than I was then. I find that yes, I do get out more, and have more friends, (and the same ones also), and I don't need the meds anymore to get me to go to a new social venue and meet people. But I still drop jobs like a neurotic person. I still live with someone instead of on my own. I still under-earn like an absolute wanker. I still hope for something (well, ANYthing really) that I haven't been able to achieve. I'm still weird and strange.

Surely I'm autistic? I live inside here and have not blogged or medicated my way out yet. I still hate mornings enough to reject fulltime work, even when I had it.

So anyway, it seems obvious to me that I've lost 2010. I've no idea where it went. It seems like it was a great year for many of you guys, though. So that's great.

So ... yeah.

That's just what's on my mind right now. Tomorrow is one of those insanely early days that I hate, but thankfully, it's only the one per week. So I should be going to sleep, but I've no chance of sleeping right now. Too many thoughts. And tomorrow, I'll have to clean the snow off the car practically at the crack of dawn to get going INTO the morning. No fun.

And I don't feel as coherent and as determined right now as I have in days (years) past. Little disappointed at that, really. I feel like there are some great things up in here that I keep failing to access. Well, I'll say that I have failed up to this point to access.

Who knows what tomorrow will show? I need to learn to ignore all the failed tomorrows of yesterday.

And ... just that's it right now.

Take care.

I See What's Going On Here

So I come to my blog and I spew my latest vitriol, drop a few f-bombs, then I go out and tell someone else that I'm gay. Somehow this is a process for me.

Because this time I told one of the Inner Circle. That is to say, the band of geeks that I've gone down to North Carolina to meet, dine and share with at the comics convention --I told the wife of that group. Her husband is the glue that holds us together with his podcasts and his energy and near-autistic love for comics and us. Out of that group we lost the 36 year old brother to a massive heart attack a year ago from Thanksgiving.

She knitted me a hat and is knitting me a scarf out of no reason, just because she likes me and thinks I'm a great guy--and she's a Mom to all of us and she's a fantastic woman. So I felt the safest with her. Her husband will probably also not freak out too, too much--but I can tell he sometimes gets uncomfortable with homosexual things. And our Geekmates in the cipher, one is a church-working mid-American Christian. Another is a slightly effeminate single black fella transplanted down there. Another is a brilliant satirist young feller, single and unlucky at love, living with mental illness. Lastly is a handsome young stud-nerd who is just a few degrees of seperation away from normal. He's like the Marilyn of this Munster family.

They are the faces that I see so often whenever I fear rejection the hardest. They are the ones who project all sorts of ladykilling antics on me to live out their fantasies. And they are the ones who, if a Gay Me repulses them, will hurt like a bitch. A biiiiitch. And no amount of "Well fuck that guy!"'s will make the pain vanish. I'm getting choked up right now just contemplating it.

But yeah. I keep saying it and it keeps being true. I can't stay like this, frozen and frightened and alone and lonely. Since the Amazing Mister Cosplaying Superhero Comic Nerd He-Man Gay Dude hasn't come to sweep me off my feet and out of my closet, I'm going to have to do it the slow hard way, on my own.

I have to take on the identity for everybody to see.

Then I have to start living out in the open.

Because I'm dying here in the dark.

No Worse

Which translates to "The Same."

The holidays were WAY quiet, despite many invites to go places to celebrate. One invitation I had was to go out to Ohio and share the integration my geek buddy's teenage son back into his life. He's already married with a single-digit kiddo from but the first child he had out of wedlock was far from his life due to distance and the child's mother. Now he's getting to know his teenage son through things like Twitter (before all our eyes) and business trips that he turns into personal trips, and the son is all for it because, well, the boy's gay and probably needs all the family he can get.

And thus why I turned the invitation down. It was a family affair, one of love and acceptance of a gay youth. It was something I wanted personally -- too much. I wanted it to apply to myself and I just couldn't let myself steal this kid's thunder, because when I do finally meet my geek buddy, I'm going to out myself. I feel he deserves to know for all the personal that he shares with me (us), and for all the affection he has shown me.

So far, it seems to work. Those who I love, to whom I came out to, loves me still. I doubt the streak would end with this guy because, hello, he just welcomed his gay son into his life with much fanfare (letter of announcement, invitations, everything). So you'll probably agree, when I make my diva move, it shouldn't be at the expense of someone else's.

And then on top on it, the Blizzard of '10 hit day after Crimmas. No more ice-driving for me! One near-death experience was plenty enough.

I also had an invite to go over to MFTD's family's house on Christmas Day for din-din. I din-din't. It was another family shindig that I didn't feel I was an actual member of. Plus there's this whole "by the way, the guy 10 years older than your son, who has known him since he's 15, who strongly influenced him to go away to Missouri and changed his life, (in some parts for the better-hello, he's a Doctor now)--well yeah, you know THAT guy ... ? He's gay."

Now, for New Year's Eve, I had the invite which I've enjoyed two years in the past--My Geek Celebrity's house. (Yes, I like that. I haven't called him this before, but I've referred to him before. He's the geek guy who is the lowest-key gay dude I've ever known. He runs a podcast with his loud, celebrity-seeking, name-dropping, attention-whore co-host. My Geek Celebrity has much more class than that, although thanks to the efforts of his co-host, he now enjoys a moderate level of geek fame and influence.

THIS is the guy who I've gone to the movies with on lots of occasions, and sometimes just he and I, and each time I always think--"Tell this guy! Maybe you and he will hook up!" except he's not 'manly' enough for me either. Mind you, I think I'm way more effeminate than he is, but he's not got those 'turn me on' qualities that would cause me to drop my guards and tell my WHOLE NYC GEEK COMMUNITY that I'm gay.

And let me add a new detail (finally!) I've started drinking.

Okay, well, not a lot of drinking. But ever since I've had a few successful whiskey sours, I've been lured by the memory of the taste to mix them at home and just drink them here. So twice I've had an evening polishing off one of those hand-sized, $7 bottles of whiskey mixed in with various amounts of Mango Lemonades and Crystal Lights.

So on New Year's Eve, with plans to go to My Geek Celebrity's place for festivities, and meeting up with My Con Buddy (the one I think is so handsome, and yet is so straight), for my warm-up drank activities, I chose Jim Beam. Is it "a fifth" that comes in the hand-sized flat bottle? Well whatevs, I drained it by 7:30. Then I set off toward the party. Then I realized My Con Buddy was still handsome and still straight. And I still haven't told him I'm gay. Nor My Celebrity Geek. And I realized too that they both had excellent positions in life. And that they were going to celebrate for the New Year because why not? Life was good!

For them.

But for me? In mid-travel, while fetching some Starbucks latte and a slice of pizza to prevent totally TOTAL drunkness, I realized I was suddenly, amazingly blindingly pissed off beyond all measure. I suddenly didn't want to "celebrate" a fucking thing.

"Celebrate?" HA!!!!!!!!! Celebrate WHAT?

Well, that was New Years Eve. I texted My Con Buddy and let him know I was changing my mind and so I went home and I played ChampionsOnline because Fuck Them, That's Why.

New Year's Day came and I had no hangover or regrets and it was another opportunity to be at peace with no one else's attention needing mine, so I played more ChampionsOnline for hours and hours and that's how I spent the holidays.

No better but no worse.

And that's just my life. It's redeemable, in theory, but ... yeah. Not so much right now.

But wow. For a while back then, I sure did come close, didn't I? Can that be my consolation prize?