When I Need A Pick Me Up, by my friend Ryan King

Wednesday, June 16, 2010


In a bloggy mood this AM. It should be illegal to post pictures of yourself on the internet if you're male and you have muscle. Or are hunky in any sort of way. At all.

I do think I'm recovering nicely from a whirlwind crush I achieved a few days ago. I got turned onto a comicbook/comedy troupe last week by a fellow fan, and lo and behold, they had a kinetic manhunk in their ranks. Made me laugh and made me lust. So what do I do? Well, I hit 'im up, of course! I posted on their YouTube, friended them on Facebook, Tweeted them with praise. And who of the four should respond immediately? Why, Hunkalicious of course! Letting me into his Facebook world helped not at all. "Single" declareth he! As I browsed his camping pics and wrestling shows attendance, we traded messages "Have you done this?" "Where do you live?" "Did you read that?" "What'd you like best?" kind of stuff. All the while I'm noticing his (as well as his troupemates) involvement in a big church. Pics of song services begin to unearth. Hunkalicious on a stage with a mic in one hand and the other stretched up to the sky in prayer.

Hunkalicious' Facebook preference is "Women" and these boys are ministers in a mega church. And although he's the only single one in the group, and the best looking, and the hunkiest, he's involved in ministry. That means that even if he harbors a secret love for the well-figured man--he's buried himself under the protective cocoon of Godliness. At my most grandiose, I know that to court him any further would be (another) big letdown for me.

So, here's the deal--if you can avoid being gay, I highly recommend that course of action at any cost (Yeah, right).

It's absolutely no fun getting these unbidden crushes when you least expect them, as they have approximately 0.0034% chance of turning into anything. And NO it is not just like hetereo crushes. No it is NOT. Because a guy can find a girl attractive and can expect a reasonable chance of chatting her up. It would be a surprise if he discovers she's "Single" but interested in "Women." But this is what it's like all the time for the gay single man. Guys befriending guys is common and expected, without the baggage of sex-attraction. Poor single straight guy just wants a friend. WHY did it have to be with THIS guy, preying on him with unwanted sexual advances that skeeve him the ufck out? He didn't ask for that. He was just being friendly.

Not to mention that Facebook puts all your business out there in front of all your "friends."

My safest fantasy scenario is that any of the single, good looking guyfriends on my Facebook chat with me, and I with them, and somehow someway (through osmosis I guess?) he or I approach the topic of why I'm single at my age, I tell him in a PM, and he says, "Oh. Hmm. That's funny. So am I!" Then we start communication on another level "What's it like for you?" "Isn't it difficult to see all our friends married, having kids, etc etc?" "How many gay relationships have you had?" "You neither?! Wow, you're exactly like me!" Hilarity ensues.

I suppose that could still happen with Hunkalicious, but the man is ensconced in a church. Publicly ensconced. Unless their church is so open-minded as to allow samesex marriage within the ministry -- I'd be setting myself up for failure. Or something illicit and potentially disastrous. Have you ever seen a church line up to excommunicate a member for moral indiscretion? I have. Participated in fact. Sick and tragic. Talk about moral failure--WE committed it that night, regardless of what that member had done.

And then of course, there's the fact that he's 12 hrs away from here.

Oh, speaking of that, Ned, I missed you during my trip to Charlotte! I guess there was a lot going on for both of us? I was running with two groups this time instead of just the one group you met last year.

Anyway, so that's what's going on. I'll probably still head down that road with Hunkalicious in conversation ... I feel it. No. Stop it, Me. He said he's interested in "Women" on his Facebook. It doesn't matter if his church supports samesexness. He doesn't. Let it go. Stop it.

So much fun to be me. Eat your hearts out. :-/

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