When I Need A Pick Me Up, by my friend Ryan King

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

This Homo Life, Pt 2

So yeah, so out with Con Buddy last night and had a fun time with the geekery, which went along with more candid talk about our private lives whereupon he detailed more of his very very straight libidinous attractions and I fronted again as if I were Johnny Hetereo.

Yeah, I'm settled. Con Buddy loves the ladies and I'm just where I always have been--on the outside looking in.



Tera said...

Alan, pardon the candor, but why Johnny Hetero? Are you reluctant about disclosing your sexual orientation because you're afraid of what Con Buddy would think? I'm all for being honest, and the people that matter...who genuinely care about you...will love you for who you are. And lets say that he finds out later...would he be upset that you weren't honest with him? I think there's an inherent risk whichever route you choose.

That must be really exhausting for you. I hope everything works out.

Sorry if you didn't want my 2 cents ;-)

Me said...

I blog so that people will give me their two cents.

Yeah, I worry about that day when all my geek friends who joked with me about my conquest of women and the city life that they think is based on every rap video they're in love with, will find out.

You're right, and it's been echoed so many times--if they care about me truly, they won't reject me as teh gay. And the ones who do weren't really my friends, right?

And I've come out to some but not all, and so far, no rejections. In fact, with the way I act most times, when I did "come out" they seemed like it was just a matter of "As I suspected!" and then we got on to the business of talking comicbooks and movies and whatever else.

With Con Buddy, it seems like was actually more afraid that he was gay too, and that if I told him about myself, he would wanna ... do stuff.

And that just leads to why I'm dragging this thing torturously out. I know what's going on inside and I know clearly what turns me on--but I don't want to commit my whole life to this statement. I don't want to be The Gay Guy--I don't want a label, I don't want an identification, I don't want to tik the box on a consus form. I want the freedom to choose whatever I want and not be expected, predicted, stereotyped, belittled, disregarded, or disrespected because of something I don't think I had anything to do with. And this is something I figured out because I'm a black man. That struggle is not something I want to duplicate now because of my sexuality.

Yes. Very exhausting. But whatcha gunna do? It is what it is.