When I Need A Pick Me Up, by my friend Ryan King

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

I'm Not Ready

So I found My Ned and My Scott and where they've gone and learned how I can go too. Facebook. Childhood Buds, I know you guys are going to kill me for not being motivated to join for you, but you are guys who I can call on the frikkin phone for Pete's sake. Ned and Scott are these millions-of-miles-away guys who, without knowing me prior to all this blogation, poured love and support all up in the mix. Love and support are addictive, I must say. Y'all got children and wife, so hopefully you know what love & support feels like (oh, and you got me), but for me--so, yeah.

So I joined Facebook. I used my mutant name instead of my gub'ment, and see, I told you I knew people. I told you I was popular in other places. I already knew that.

But they don't know all what goes on up in here. And as the friend requests came crashing into my email account by the dozens (damn Facebook sign-up process raping my e-mail addresses and setting me the eff up for TOTAL EXPOSURE) panic attacks ensued. Can they find this blog through my Facebook? People I friended know about this place--will they tell? Do they have links at their places which could lead the intrepid here?

And what's here that I want to keep so private? Well DUH?!! It's just so ufcking nice to know who you are isn't it? Just so very ufcking cozy to put up pictures of your wives, girlfriends, husbands, children--just spread your arms wide open and invite the world into your life with no shame, no guilt, no fear. Isn't life just so rosy and happy and shiny for you?

Now my ass gets pressured, cajoled, wheedled out in the harsh sunlight and ufck me if that sh!t doesn't BURN. People finding pictures of me and posting them on my site without so much as a by-your-leave. I turn around and there I am. Wink, smile, wave of fingers, first and last name put the ufck out on blast.

Why? Why the hell is it so important for people to get all into my stuff? People who are ALREADY my friends?

People, I have two clients who internet stalk. I can't have them finding that I'm a geek, I'm gay, I'm this, I'm that.

So NONE OF MY REAL NAMES ON MY DAMN FACEBOOK, okay? Don't MAKE me have to close that bitch down so soon.

ARGH!! Why am I so angry?!

And when I consider that okay, let's let everybody know everything. Let's drop all the walls. My emotions go UFCK YOU! Not everyone has the right to know! Not everyone has earned my trust! Not everyone has displayed the ability to accept and not judge! UFCK YOU if you think I'm going to set myself up for ufcking failure. Put myself in a position to me rejected by people I once held in my heart.

The more I type, the more I want to check out of Facebook. I love Scott and Ned, but I'm SO so much less secure than those guys. I have SO much less to show and SO much less to be proud of.

I should have followed my instincts. This shit is a trainwreck getting ready to happen.

Ufck me.


The Neighbor said...

The bulltish flows on this one. It's a website, Alan, and you need to get deep into the privacy settings right away, just for your own good. You can lock down your FB profile to a surprising degree, and if you take pains to keep your name off it, no one will stumble across your blog.

You're taking it all WAY too seriously. It's a website,a nd that's it. You can disable your profile anytime you want, prevent yourself from being included in search results, pretend you're never ever online, etc. It's not a big deal - don't let it become one.

Plus, I should point out - you've already got over 60 confirmed friends, and I bet you a dollar each they know you're a geek and don't care if you're gay.

I know. I don't care. Is being gay the most interesting part of you? Nope. So why all the focus?

Relax, bud. It's not important. It's just a website.

Alan said...

I think I'd get another meal out of you from that bet about the gay thing.

Those other confired friends ARE my geeks, so no, they wont care. What I'm nervous about is the outside searchers, like therapy clients who might want to dig into the private life of their therapist.

I feel like it would be irresponsible of me to lay out my nethers for my clients to find. I don't think that would improve the therapeutic relationships a whole lot.

I'm willing to admit that my fears are flavored with some irrationality. So lets call it anxiety. They're no less frightening and this is me hollering as if I'd been jumped out at by a boogieman from the dark.

And come on, you already [i]know[/i] I take things too seriously. Help me [i]not[/i] to. Hold my hand a little while.

Hell, it's all worth it just to get back in contact with you again. Just help me out.

This is all going to be okay?