So yeah, I tweeted again about some jive mess Jester put me through last night. Snarking at me, ridiculing my sensitivity, bullying the group to play without me while I struggled to get my system up to snuff. Just a bastard. A big bully.
So I realized what I want from my friends. I want friends who will listen. Friends who will lend an ear when I need one. Friends who can empathize and who care. Friends who respect my choices. Who are honest with their feelings, be they positive or negative, but in all manner of communication, affectionate and respectful.
If you're looking to be a friend of mine and cannot meet these requirements then you need not apply. Because I'm shouldering a F*CK TON of weight on the daily. I'm struggling with middle-age, my weight, my failing eyesight, my career which consists of two jobs, plans for pursuing a PhD, loneliness & sexuality, religion & God. Among some of the more minor details.
And let me tell you, it's not all about me me me. Because I offer the same things AS a friend. This is who I have become. I get real joy out of matters of the heart. It might be vicarious living since I'm not able to enjoy it for myself. But there it is. And there I am. And YOU get the benefit. I'm patient, I listen, I care. I can be used for this. I'm made for this. It's one of the clearest things I understand about myself and I experience it every time I'm walking up Central Park South toward the train station or my parked car, leaving a good therapy session. I'm GOOD at this, because I love it.
And that's not to say I'm a big blubbery mess or 100% goosh. I can be sarcastic, cutting, and I'm a hell of a lot of fun at parties (or so I've discovered over the last few years).
So yeah. People who will let a great guy like me slip through their fingers? You never did deserve me anyway. SEEya! (See? Cutting. I Kan Doo Eet!)
It's middle age, I tell ya. I'm on the other side of my life now. I need to be setting up for retirement and leaving this world. I need to make sure I'm secure, both materially and emotionally. If no woman's going to marry a less than manly man such as myself, and if I can't get the world or religion to treat me right if I link my life with a dude that I might dig, then I gotta make sure that I at least cushion the blow of aging & dying with friends I can trust.
And that's what's going on.