When I Need A Pick Me Up, by my friend Ryan King

Saturday, April 4, 2009


F.U.B.A.R. is an acronym that stands for F*cked Up Beyond All Repair. Both as an acronym and a pronounced word, it seems powerful and angry. I don't feel either powerful or angry, but I do think I have a life that is FUBAR.

I have one purpose on the planet. And I am really good at my one purpose. I am here to make other people's lives better. There are Givers and Takers, Movers and Shakers, Upper, Middle, and Lowerclasses, blacks, whites and everything in-betweens, male, females, and everything in-between those too. I am not so unique that I don't fall inside one or more of those catgegories. There are others like myself, even though yes, there is only one me. So this isn't about "poor little me, no one understands my pain." It's just about seeing things for what it is.


This is my 45th year on Earth, in any recognizable human form. I am at the peak of my development. I am mostly homosexual and completely unwilling to be. My semiotics are telling this to everyone I meet, even though my mouth will not. I want to be different things when I'm with different people, but with all of them, I'm still the same. I'm a whimsical, funny, strange little enigma. People who know me know that I am without a partner and they don't ask why. Deep down inside, they know why. Girls that I trick myself into believing that I want to be with--they know I don't really want them. And even if they took my word for it, as even I attempt to do, they know it'll end in tears. They don't want to take that chance on me. In the long run, they might care for me, have affection for me, find me attractive physically and intellectually, but there is no heterosexual spark.

There is no internal switch to flip. There are no hormone shots I can take. I am fully male in my biological chemistry. I have normal, functioning genitalia. I have body hair commensurate for male designation. I am aggressive, egotistic, competitive, crude, ignorant, impatient, intolerant, sloppy, and greedy. And emotionally, I am not drawn physically to the gender for which I was made.

I can't accept this. This is as though I've been robbed of sight and now must live my life out as one who is blind. As though I must now learn how to navigate through the world with assistance and tools. Must learn how to be entertained with alternative media. Must learn how not to be a burden on my sighted friends and still answer my needs for friendship. Must learn how to accept this.

And I can't.

I can only distract myself from this condition. I can only live the rest of my life escaping this reality, because it is FUBAR. There is no repair for it. Science is not advanced enough to repair it. Minorities are too endangered to repair it. I don't care if it's right or wrong, moral or immoral, designed by God or by Satan. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care.

So I distract myself. I read comicbooks and dream of lives other than mine. I play roleplaying games and pretend I'm living a life other than mine. I write scripts and produce other people's voices to make adventures about heroic lives other than mine. I go be a therapist and help people get through misery other than mine. These thing work for me. The minutes, the hours, the days that I am lost in these activities take me through life. Gives me joy. Makes me happy. Lets me live.

And that's what's going on.



Coaster Punchman said...

Dude, you're on a journey. As one who has been there, trust me, life gets so much easier if you just accept who you really truly are. The rest will work itself out. True happiness is coming your way, I can feel it. Email me if you want.


GrizzBabe said...

Alan, listen to CP on this one.

Shades of Scorpio said...

fubar or not....you're still Alan. Although I can't imagine what it must be to wrestle with this internal 'struggle' for lack of a better word.

Big hugs either way. I'm not sure if many people figure it all out in the end but as much as you can, try to enjoy the journey.

Anonymous said...

I don't know you from a can of paint, and I just stumbled onto your very awesome blog. Listen: through God nothing, absolutely nothing is FUBAR. Believe me. I am a wretched mess, yet the Lord continues to Love me. When I reach the limits of my intellect and innate skepticism, God is still there. I try to run and hide, but he has chosen me, and it humbles me and allows me to look beyond my own wants and desires. To paraphrase John Piper, God is most glorified when I am most satisfied in him. Please be encouraged. Please do not turn your back on the gift of God's grace,and remember that nothing is impossible.