So I started NaBloWriMo ... or some similar anagram ... and naturally, I used yesterday's post.
Self-serving miserable claptrap, right!? "Suicide note" who am I kidding?? I have too many goals and dreams and joys to kill myself now. I look both ways before I cross the street, waiting for the light to turn from the safety of the sidewalk. I take 0 to No risks for fear of messing up what life I do have.
This is both my safety net and my bigger hindrance.
So allow me to reintroduce myself, NaBloWriMo Readers, I'm Me and I'm complicated.
So, yeah, I'm a gay dude attracted to straight men. This does not automatically equate to my eternal failing aloneness, but it does make me a crappy, self-hating kind of homo. I have been teaching myself for the last few years not to dislike the more effeminate homosexual man, but rather appreciate them for their brave stance of out-loud pride. However, I am in no way, shape, or form attracted them. Unfortunately I find them less sexy than women. And while I do find women sexy, I don't find women sexy enough to sleep with any of them, despite opportunities to do so. So it's my misfortune that while there are plenty of wonderful, caring, loving gay men out there - one of which I dated twice - I didn't have enough attraction to give us both what we wanted from each other.
Thus the name of this post. Here I sit across from UNO'S on Columbus & 81st St at 11:30pm in NYC, watching several couples find their ways around and into one another while I sit alone typing a blog because I play it safe. I acknowledge my faults and my shortcomings, but it often feels better doing nothing about them than doing something scary.
However, I'm starting NaBloPlehPlo because by July 31st, I intend to have made a change. In something. Somehow.
So welcome to my process. I hope if you stay along for the ride, you will find something encouraging and uplifting by the end of the month. I will take suggestions, encouragement, anecdotes, and forgiveness for my hateful ways. Please. And thank you.