Me.
More than once I have sat with a client and together we have arrived at answers for their lives that illuminated the whole room. Last week, one of them said "I don't know why I spent so much time worrying about what other people thought of me."
The peace on the client's face was incredible.
And I sat across from them thinking, "Why am I in THIS chair? Why are they not MY therapist??"
And those words have been in my head ever since. Because I've spent SO much time considering others thoughts about me. All my life, I guess. And it is seriously killing my happiness.
Over the weekend I was sitting between hobbies and feeling not lonely, but kind of ... oh, say, put out. Inconvenienced by being alone. And I do now have friends. But I thought to myself, in this one aspect, "Why am I alone? Why am I allowing myself to be alone like this? This is just STUPID."
Then I promptly did nothing.
But I tell you what. Out of all the people I've come across, whether it's through Blogging, Tweeting, Professionally, or In Person -- 98% of them refuse to be without someone. They don't care HOW effed up their lives are or WHAT their challenges are. And they don't give. A. Shit. what anyone thinks of them when it comes to this area. They hunger and they fill their appetite.
I owe myself nothing less.
I'm getting closer to blowing these doors off. FUCK Victoria Jackson and all her ilk who want to keep me in this closet. I don't see THEM doing without.
Fuck this.
Why am I alone?
4 comments:
You're almost cooking with gas, bro'man!
I'm all about the "almost."
So actually, what I did yesterday was step my game up. I opened another Match.Com profile. As a "man seeking men." With pictures. MY pictures.
I took it out of the shadows of the fringe gay dating sites and put it in the "mainstream." Or at least that is to say, people I know are using Match.com who I haven't told my bizness to. Dunno why they might be trolling the M4M side, but if they do, blammo. There I'll be.
And I saw some GOOD LOOKING MENZ up in that piece too, lemme tell ya.
So yeah. In my life so far, I have dated a buncha girls, was engaged once, and I dated one guy twice. Even though I still haven't had sex yet, I'd say I'm not entirely dysfunctional. There's still a horizon I'm looking out on.
And since I know what it's like to do this cybermeet-a-man-then-date-him thing, I'm ready for it again.
Not so much on the down-low, but more like not on the up-high wave-my-rainbow-flag-all-up-in-ya-face either.
I'm just going to do me and (try to) not care what others who know me think. If they ask (which none yet actually HAVE) then I'll tell, but if they don't think it's their business, then I guess they're right.
So that's all right then.
Haha! I haven't even paid up yet and I got my first rejection! The before visited "Thanks, but ..." form came to my e-mail. Dang. His body was SLAMMIN' too, even though he had a face like a bulldog.
Ah well. At least I know this thing is on. Let me go Wink at a few more hotties and see what happens!
WHEEEEE..... how fun. /sarcasm
Yay you!
I was alone (as in without romantic companionship) for most of my adult life. The moment I decided to make a conscious decision to not continue to do the things that have kept me alone (i.e., reject advances from suitors out of fear) was the exact moment my life changed.
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