When I Need A Pick Me Up, by my friend Ryan King

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Obsessively Analytical. Still

The Date occurs in 2.5 hours. I'm inclined to buy something new, then head out. I should buy him a little gift too, huh? I'm nervous. I've pictured this going some-odd thousand different ways. I woke up early thinking about it. Songs come on the radio and I think about it.

While I'm not inclined to go all the way tonight, I do think that this is the beginning of the end of my hidden position. Dating a fella. I might as well kiss him. I might as well sleep with him. I might as well tell the world I'm gay.

I'm finding my boundaries. I don't HAVE to tell everything to everyone, do I. It's not a question. It remains a fact. A lot of people don't want to know about my life outside of the words that I pepper Twitter with. A lot of them have their own notions. A lot of them will think what they want. And a lot of them is not my concern.

My concern is me. I don't have to kiss him. I don't have to sleep with him. I have to be true to me and take my time with this. I'm not in a race. Another year of deliberation won't kill me after 45-minus-innocence years.

I just want this guy to be well. I wish him no harm at all. I am already as grateful to him as I am to all of you for coming into my bubble of shame and fear and helping me out of it.

Okay. I'll be back to fill out the rest. For those of you reading this late in the game, no suspense for you!

Oh, and if I never blog again, I ran afoul of life. Avenge me, Eliel. But it really couldn't have gone down any other way. And trust me, I was so unsure about this whole life of mine--on some level I'd be glad the struggle is over. So if this is my last night on Earth, I'm going gently into it. If I'm going to my murder, I'm not going to resist, beg, cry, or carry on at all. I'm resigned to it. Let's roll.


Not dead.

Well, he's a HANDSOME little thing! He's like a miniature Tom Selleck, blond version! He's athletic, but not cut like deisel. And let me say this, he's softer than me. More gay, if that holds any meaning. Now, I know I've come to this life lusting after the straight dudes. I love guys who are guys. But my date looks like a guy-guy, even though he sounds a little gay.

God, this is so effed-up.

This date of mine was so sweet, and understanding, and patient (in otherwords, we were close enough to kiss several times, for several lengths of times, but I just couldn't yet. And I told him that. And he understood. Tonight anyway.) He's been gay for just shy of 40 years (oh, and by the way--dude is NOTHING like a 50-year old. NOTHING. He easily looks to be in his thirties.) and he's conmfortable with it. So enviably comfortable -- although he's tried women. Done women. But he knows what he likes.

He likes me.

Hugging him told my body that I'm gay. I'm waiting for the rest to follow. I'm waiting to kiss him and see what THAT does. I wanted to hug him for longer, but he most definitely wanted to kiss. I just didn't.

It's like the kiss would be the thrust of the ski poles that will tilt me over the precipice and plunge me into the ride down Mt Everest, and I've never been good with heights.

We'll go out again next week. I asked him if he would, please, even though I'm not kissing him yet, and he said yes. He really seemed to like me. He said a lot of nice things. He said I was genuine.

I'm going to hold his hand next time.

I think we'll kiss next time.


GrizzBabe said...

Just. Look. At. You. Just. Look at you. Did you think ever in your life that you'd be at this point? Ever. You are absolutely amazing. It hasn't been easy, but slowly but surely you have progressed along the path of self-acceptance. Kudos! 'Cause not everybody gets there.

And The Fiance had to wait 6-months before I kissed him. And quite a while after that before he got anything closely resembling REAL action.

Me said...

YOU are absolutely amazing. You're such a friend to me, Angela. You've been riding along this rollercoaster all the way. I don't know what I could've done without you. Thank you x (a sideways eight).

Tera said...

Well helllloooo there! It's been a while, and my my my, I return to you having a date? That's fantastic! I do however have 3 comments/questions...

1) Your use of 45 minus (vs. 40 plus) moves me :-)

2) What exactly does gay "sound" like? LOL!

3) Do you think there is a reason (other than the fact that maybe you weren't ready) that you didn't want to kiss him? I mean you say a couple of times that he likes you...how do you feel about him?

Can't wait to hear about the next date!

Me said...

Hello again, Tera!
1) The math seemed correct.
2) Gay "sounds" like when you hear a guy speak and the first thing you think is, "Is he gay?" This is why I said it was so effed up. Because I'm such a victim of wrong-headed thinking. Or, a subject of it. Tera, I dig the straight man. I like masculinity. It is so freaking attractive to me. I just want to gobble up the blunt-edged, plodding, manly man-man. I love those muscles, the deep voice, the hairy this n thats. My gut response is not for a guy that is like a girl--it's for a guy who is like a GUY!
Now, this would be an exercise in futility if I didn't know that there are a lot of gay men who appear straight. "Sound" straight. "Act" straight. I've seen them advertise themselves as such. And you know like I know that Hollywood and especially the soap operas are FULL of these type of gay men. I want one of those.

But my date was the first guy who likes me for me. And when he doesn't speak, he has that rugged manly look, with a slighter build and not much definition.

And so I'm telling myself that I'm doing him and myself a disservice for being shallow and swayed by the prejudices against the gay male which led me where I'm at in the first place.

But on the other hand, I like what I like. So I think I can learn to let myself go with this guy, but I get the feeling 'll always be wanting the Jason Stathams of the world.

And since this is all new to me, I can only apply the principle of dating life to myself--I can't have them all. Someone else is always going to look better than the one I have. Commitment is a conscious choice. Being adult means being responsible with how you act towards people.

AND, "sounding" gay is not wrong. My date doesn't deserve to be rejected because of how he sounds.


3) See above. I didn't kiss him because I didn't want to go that far. I wanted to get used to the fact that I'm gay. I wanted to get it in my head. And I didn't want to give him a signal that I'm all the way there yet. AND, I've got all those years under my belt of avoidance. NOT doing was easier than doing.

But I can tell you, thinking about it was exciting. Being that close to it was exciting. Really for the first time in my life exciting. Just the thought of kissing, alone, I mean. With girls it was an "I need to do this to get to the next level" and then of course, I never went to any next level. But with this ... and when I say exciting ... well, I mean ... y'know. "Exciting." I mean ... well ... for a man. You know. I was "excited." Somewhat.

Gah. You know what I mean.

GrizzBabe said...

My roommate is a lesbian and she's currently holding out for a "lipstick lesbian". You know, a lesbian that doesn't look like she's a lesbian? Even though she, herself, very much resembles a lesbian stereotype.

I try to get her to be a little more open-minded. I've seen gay couples where both men are effeminate and I've seen many a butch lesbian couple. Some of these couples have been together a LONG time. They've built incredible lives together and they seem insanely happy. Ultimately, I think that's what it's about.

Me said...

I hear you, Grizz. And I'm not the manliest man on the block either. I'm way more Jack than I am Will, if truth be told. These pages will attest -- I got a lot of gay in me (teehee. See? Who says 'teehee'?).

Tera said...

I get it now ;-) Thanks Hon!