When I Need A Pick Me Up, by my friend Ryan King

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Long Stretch

4 weeks later I got one nibble at FindFred. From a guy with no picture. Frustrating. He did say I was handsome, but he wants to know where in Manhattan I live. As IF, buddy. Can you take me out to dinner, verbally, first? I've had some others look at my profile, but I don't feel the impulse to leap.

It's all so strange. And defining. And humbling. Because I find that I'm a shallow prick. Yes, now's the time to realize that my snooty perceptions of love have been a lie I told myself. Because clearly to me, looks matter. When it came to women, I guess I was more open because it wasn't the promise or lure of sex drawing me in. I wanted to be friends, always. I wanted to laugh and talk and share. I wanted what most other girls want from their girlfriends. But I didn't want what a "man" wants.

Now, I do. This "man" wants to close the circuit between what he sees and what he feels. As most men do. What I don't know is how that works across the spectrum with straight men. Obviously there are the superstar gorgeous creatures in the media. Straight guys get to look but not touch. So when they go into the obtainable, are they "settling"? Or are they more mature than I've gotten the chance to be, and they realize beauty is where you find it? They love the skinny, the full-figured, the short, the tall, the slightly-off proportioned. They love without the trappings of Hollywood and the lie of beauty.

So why can't I? Why does it have to be muscles? Why do I have to learn these things so late in my life? I'm almost freakin' 50 years old.

And the inverse of that question is, why can't I have muscles? It's what 'trips my trigger' as a happy man once said to me. Why am I going to take on the stigma of being gay if I don't get to enjoy it on some level? Instead of an unfulfilling sexual relationship, I'd rather do nothing -- like I've been doing for 46 years, minus pre-sexual awakening.

Damn. What a sad freakin' life I've had. In this area--and that other area about having parents. But hey. I'm not the only one. And I do good things elsewhere. I'm not a TOTAL waste of protoplasm.

Maybe the FindFred guy will put up pics and be Jason Statham. And maybe I'll wake up tomorrow morning and be straight. Haha.


The Overmonkey said...

Well, here's what I'll offer: online dating seems to be all about the hookups, not really about the lasting, one-true-love type thing. In point of fact, most of dating is like that, and the one-true-love is an offshoot of that - something you find out while indulging in the dalliances in between. We all want our one true love, but to get there takes some water-testing and some self-honesty. Because we don't usually really know what dating is like when we do it in our head, and we don't have to make real-world compromises, and we don't have to accommodate any one else's wants and needs and inputs.

Anyhow, all guys are shallow pricks. But we're not settling. We may choose with our eyes initially, but looks are transient - they change over time, and that supermodel has a lot of help to look that way, and in real life, she's very high-maintenance and probably egotistical, and unless these are things you want, then you keep looking. There's a massive spectrum of what we find appealing, and let me tell you - personality really is a major factor. When you really fall in love, you'll see beauty where someone else might not. Because love IS beauty.

It's a very hard thing to learn by reading about it, and I lament that you haven't been out there finding it out for yourself, but you are really on the right track - you need to fall in love with your heart and your eyes will suddenly see beauty, and your other parts will play along. Trust me.

The issue I think will be the biggest challenge for you is that not everyone is as mature and deliberate as you are. So you may find yourself taking more time than someone worthy of your time might care to wait.

But you're not wasting your time, and you really are doing good stuff in the world. Be easy on yourself.

And you know what? Go to a gay establishment and just talk to people. You don't have to do anything. Just talk, be seen, be out. Try it on. I really think you'll find that the 'stigma' is less there than you think it is. It's not the most interesting thing about you, you know.


Me said...

I'm mature? Why do I want to just curl up in a ball and cry until it all goes away then?

A gay establishment. Aka a gay bar, right? When I'm at my most lonely and desperate I have TOTALLY been considering that very thing. Of course, it feels like I'm looking for Mr. Goodbar.

I hear you every time you tell me that being gay isn't the most interesting thing about me.

Thank you. Now I need to see the same thing.

Erica M said...

"A gay establishment..." Heh.

I have no advice. I never thought I'd be attracted to a man with a little pudge on him, but here I am completely in love with one. Dunno. You'll know it when you feel it.

Stay away from the ones with no photo. Married.

Anonymous said...

I could never offer anything that wasn't already so perfectly written by The Overmonkey. (I'm crushing now)

"Because love IS beauty"...how perfectly true.

I don't really think of myself as shallow, but the first thing that attracted me to my mate was his looks. He might not be someone else's ideal of perfect, but he's mine (even now, and he doesn't look the same as in the beginning). I think it's normal and nothing to be sorry for, or to over-contemplate.

Me said...

Yeah, I could love the Overmonkey no matter of his muscles or not. But he *does* have these hazel/green *eyes* that you could just melt into ...

Er hrmm. Where was I? Oh, yeh! THANKS Rat-Faced Girl. (I bet you're really not rat-faced at all.) I'm honored to be on your blogroll. Allow me to return the compliment!