Okay, so nothing maudlin today. It was too beautiful out there today to go all goth. I got to work bright and early (for me) and saw lots of people in the day job who my boss wanted me to see. Then I got back into NYC while the sun was bright in the sky. I trolled around Riverside Drive on the Upper Westside and Broadway instead of going right home and ate sushi overlooking the Jersey Palisades.
(By the way, I took this picture. That's not MY crazy ass sitting there on the edge of the world, ready for a psycho to push me off into oblivion. It's actually about a 12 foot drop onto some thin trees. Bones might break, but the fool would live.)
I think about The Past Girl probably every day, and probably every day I think about Match Girl and The Last Girlfriend. Every day I probably think about them all. Given a 16-hour awake period, I'm sure that I do.
But still, it was quite a surprise to get a text message from The Past Girl today, wishing me and my mother a Happy Mother's Day. I knew her mother was deceased and I thought of how beautiful that was to send me out a text when her own heart must have been a little achy. Instead of, or maybe as a reaction to her own sadness, she reached out. and she reached out to ME.
For you see, I had stopped texting her about a month ago, figuring that if she wanted to date me, she'd be more responsive to me, but she hadn't and then I hadn't.
But out of the blue, she texted me. She didn't know my mother was dead, but that's not the point. The point is, she initiated text after I had stopped. She sent me the text which, I don't know--was it a general text "to everyone"? I know those are possible because I get holiday texts from a former client, and I KNOW they aren't specifically sending them to just me.
Hmmm. That changes the direction of this post. I was going to say that maybe The Past Girl is reaching out to me again. Maybe she wants me to be more forward and get this relationship jumped. But now I think it's possible that she sent me spam. Because, of course, my Mom's deceased.
Hmm. Ol' Charlie Brown missed the football again.
But here's what I'm going to do.
I'm going to meet with her and ask her if the phone message was a general send or specifically to me. Whatever she answers, I'm going to tell her that I hoped it was just for me because I missed texting with her and I had the impression that she didn't really want me to after a while and blah blah blah ...
In other words, I'm going to use today's texting as an opportunity to do some honest communication. Because really, I've got nothing to lose. If she doesn't want to date, well hey. We haven't been dating anyway, and I haven't been texting. Nothing changes and no love is lost.
See, when I think about all these Girls each day, my main thought is this;
"I wish I would've said ___________. I wish I could go back in time with what I know about myself now. I wish I had another opportunity to have some real honest conversation with the ladies I've lost."
So now here's an opportunity to Put Up Or Shut Up. And as I'm sure you guys noticed, I've Shut Up for the past few months. I Twitter pretty regularly so I'm not gone. And the Twitter feed is right up there in the blue horizontal bar. Any time you come here, there will be a new tweet to read and if you click on it, you'll get sent to a page with my get stream of consciousness stuff and my half of conversations with other Tweeters.
But I felt like all my back-and-forthing and whining about my faulty sexuality decision-making process had to come to an end. When I finally said what I was going to do, I felt like it was time to Just Do It. "It" = be alone unless I could find the right woman for me. Nothing more needs said because I meant it when I said it. It's really the only thing I can do. Everything else, when honestly considered, counseled, and even approached by taking walks on that side of town and attempting to identify myself with the population--it all ends up as a big fat No Can Do. I don't care what trips Lil' Alan's trigger, Big Alan Can Not Do.
So right now, The Past Girl is the only available girl that I feel safe with. And with anyone else, my clients included, I would be urging them to open up with honest communication if they want to be heard.
Well, time to practice what I preach.
So. That's what's going on.
I'll keep you updated.