So yesterday the group got together again and I proceeded as though nothing went down last week phonewise. I pretended that Grim had not disinvited me, I didn't blow them off and see Watchmen with myself and MFTD alone. Grim was shady for the first half hour, not making eye-contact, not reacting to group humor, and only minimally interjectng conversation. Yet he was there. Clearly because he wanted to be. And soon he untucked his tail from between his legs and everything was back to normal.
So Grim was guilty of something for sure, but it's hard to say exactly what. He knew that his phone message to me was the reason why they didn't see me last week, but I don't know if our other two friends knew what he had done. Did he tell them, during my absence? But if he did, clearly, it didn't effect them because they wanted to play and they were totally normal. I suspect Grim kept it to himself, since he was in hurt dog mode until I showed myself to be also unaffected (even though you know I totally was affected, dear readers).
Then eventually, I brought up the movie to find out if anyone liked it, and again there was silence until the girl of the group got back to us from feeding her dogs, and she launched into what she thought, which is what she normally does, for good or ill. Through her, Grim and the other guy started giving their feedback and that final territory was conquered. We discussed the movie as though nothing shady and antisocial had happened last week. We just happened to see it in different places.
These friends of mine.
But that's just the wrap up. The substance of this post does not lie in Grim. Rather, it lies in The Cop, who was my conduit last week for taking this avenue with Grim, instead of blowing this isht up. The Cop's advice wound up to be very good. I think Grim will know what I was prepared to do when he and The Cop conversate in depth, but as long as Grim acts like nothing happened, then I really don't care if he knows or not. I don't feel as obligated to Grim as I once did.
But the reason why The Cop got involved at all is because he had called me for advice, and after he and I processed his experiences, he then asked me how Grim was doing -- and then I spilled. But The Cop's dilemma was something actually very close to his heart and I was able to help him a lot. This I know because he told me so as soon as he arrived to the game and the group (late, but that's how The Cop rolls). He took me outside for a one on one and he poured out his heart, with tears in his eyes, to tell me how much my advice had helped him and how much I had come to mean to him, and how much respect and faith he had gained in my professional abilities. It was pretty amazing. I couldn't have written a script any better than that. What I wanted to know about myself, or the self-worth I want to have, could not have been answered any better.
This is the flavor of friendship that I thought I'd only achieve through the internet. Here where we can let our guard down without the fear of having to face those with whom our guard was removed. (Of course, personally, I've been wanting face to face with you, but I've since learned that it's not to be. The signals I give off seems to ring too many of your alarm bells. I'm pretty sure that I'll cause no harm, since I don't intend any, but there are only so many levels of vulnerability that you're willing to subject yourselves to. Face to face with me is too vulnerable for you. At least, that's how I console myself with those of you who I'll never get to meet. It may not be true, but it works for me. And it doesn't diminsh my affection for you either.)
But The Cop has wound up to be far more sensitive than I could have imagined. Tears in his eyes and HE asked ME for a hug. He's lost weight and HE asked ME if I thought he looked good. None of those articifces of male machismo in the way (except that he took me outside and away from the crowd to do it). He was very much, in fact, the way I want to be with him and the others, and am terrified of doing. (See? I understand about the vulnerability thing.)
I want to pour out my heart, let the tears stand in my eyes, pour down my face, get a hug from them, and tell them what I've been struggling with for -- oh let's just say all my life. I've done it with MFTD, but MFTD lives in frikkin CT and has a wife and a kid and two jobs and probably enough of me. But The Cop is a single guy who lives in NYC (successfully, might I add. Lives on his own in a nice apartment, dates regularly, and has a stable career). He might have time for me.
But this sexuality thing. It's no joke. Once I let this whirlwind out of the box, everything changes. These face to face friends might begin to relate to me as not just a strange geek who can't seem to get a date, but as a guy who appears for all intents and purposes to be a gay guy who keeps denying his sexuality. Which I might very well be. Which is my choice, unfortunate as it may be. But I'm just not brave enough to live any other way. And because of that, I need friends to support me. Both on the net and in my face to face life.
I'll surely let you know if The Cop turns out to be that friend.
Meanwhile thank you guys for also being friends, in whatever capacity I get to have you. I have been and will be grateful for everything.