Haha!! That IS funny because that's actually the name of the movie that I'm stealing for this post!
But I meant the title in regards to the online comicbook forum that I go to to share my geekdom, where also there is a weightloss thread where we are sharing our gains, losses, successes, joys, defeats, whatevs. So remember the post where the guy I was telling you about put up a pic of himself shirtless which served to remind me how homosexual I am? Well he struck again. Another picture and he's put on some real muscle. Now he's not just cute. He's hot.
Well, I've made some changes too.
1) I did call back my ex- and we had a nice long talk. If you want to know how that went, listen to this song;
Just take out the grocery store, her car & the beer and substitute "her architect" for "her enlisted military guy" and add a 5 year old daughter. She might want me, but I doubt it. She's a good girl and wouldn't do that to her husband. She might be lonely, but she won't be when he's back home from deployment. For myself, I know I don't want her because if I did, she'd never have become my ex-. After our talk, I reconciled myself with that fact and I'm okay with that now. Closure is a fantastic thing.
2) I've made some new progress in my fitness goals. I'm a bonafide RUNNER now, and I can go 5 miles without stopping. As a result of getting this far, I'm down to 175 lbs. This was my goal back when I was 216 lbs. So I feel real good about that. I have about 1/5th of the moobs that I used to and my stomach is no longer an outty. I can lean back in anything I wear now, and you can't see it anymore. So THAT'S cool. So when I saw the New Hunk a bit ago on the message board, I didn't get the sinking feeling of despair. It occured to me that yes, someone else can look hot, but I can now look hot too! It ISN'T hopeless for me. There IS a sixpack under all this. My chest CAN look tight and sexy. My shoulders CAN have heads and sculpts. It just took me to lose my last 10 lbs. So now my new goal is 165.
3) When I first saw The New Hunk with his shirt off, I flirted a little with him, which means I complimented him. Being a socially awkward geek, he privately messaged me instantly to say I was either gay or reallllllllly secure in my hetereosexualness. I private messaged him back to tell him I was neither.
No, I didn't take the "same old hiding denial" route. I told him the truth. I told him that I've never been with a guy but I sure do think guys are hot, and if I was going to be anything, it is that I'll be gay.
See, what I knew as I was answering him back is that he's married and he lives in Canada. So no matter what I tell him, he wasn't going to cross any lines with me. I could tell him whatever I felt like and nothing would happen. So I told him the truth. This may sound like the thing I always have done, this "truth" thing, but there was a difference this time.
This time I had no hope held out that he would somehow be gay as well and reach out to me in my loneliness. This time I felt resigned and I had decided. I'm gay-oriented but I'll most likely never do anything about it, so who cares if I tell a hot stranger that I met on a messageboard? Who cares if he tells anybody else? Who cares if anyone else finds out?
What are they going to do for me? Anything? Are they going to take it away? Are they going to make it okay? Are they going to find me a hot man?
No. They won't do jackshit for me, so who cares what they know?
And why should I be the one to tell them anyway?
It's my personal business.
They don't want to know because nobody else is asking.
They want me defined as a neat little image in their heads. They want me funny, not tragic. They want me to be a womanizer, a 1970's pimp, a Jungle Brother. Not a lonely and angry homo.
So fuck them.
Anyway. I thought I came here to say that I was better with seeing a hot dude that I can't have, and I do still think I am better in that regard. But I'm not at my best. Even at 41 pounds lighter than I was two years ago.
No. Rather, I'm in this alone. Again.
And I'm dealing.
And I will win.
One day.
