In Which Our Hero Survives Again

Well, I threw up a YouTuber to avoid reporting the events of my yesterday.

I had another car accident.

I was heading in early to do an all-day training for my day job, and a pregnant woman in a minivan ran her STOP sign and plowed into my drivers side door.

As opposed to last time, I could do little to nothing to save myself. I did hit my brakes and I was wearing my seat belt and too, I threw my hands over my head and I'm sure I hollered, so that was the "little". Everything else was the "nothing" which fortunately also included not peeing my pants from terror.

None of my windows shattered this time, so she wasn't going too very fast, but fast enough to turn me 45 degrees, and score all four panels on my drivers side, plus crunch both doors enough to compromise the airseal so that now when I drive, the "Open Door" light is constantly on and the wind whistles. I can extend my fingers through the gaps.

Remember that ultra-cheap car insurance I bought for NYC living? Now it'll bite me in the arse. They're only open 9-5 for reporting accidents.

I went to the hospital this time because I wasn't sure. I felt a tightness in my neck and side, plus my thigh stung a little. I didn't get out of my car, so I let a father & son paramedic team stabilize my head and take me away in an ambulance. The son was 18, and his father seemed about my age, if not 5 years older. He kept saying that he was the rookie and he was following his son's lead. At 18, this kid's out rescuing accident victims? Superhero-in-the-making.

MFTD wants me to find a personal injury lawyer and get in the gravy train line. This morning, I find only a little stiffness. My body feels fine. So I don't know about getting a lawyer.

In my head, I never want to drive again.

And yes, the pregnant lady was okay. She told everybody at the scene that it was her fault, and so did all the witnesses. And it was. But she was pregnant, so of course the sympathy flowed in her direction first. (How else would I have known she was pregnant, except everyone with a vocal opinion had to say it aloud.) I didn't begrudge the crowd. I was hoping the baby wasn't hurt as well. But the Mom? I'd like to have slapped her.

And I continued to hate her for the following 8 hours.

Without being able to control these people on the roads, how can I guarantee my own safety? How much more easy would it have been to have been killed? How many more times in this high volume driving that my day job requires am I going to have a car accident?

So I'm not going to work today. And last night, I cancelled two of my most lucrative therapy cases (in that they pay the full rate, no insurance co-pay) because I was so sick of powerlessness.

And I never want to drive again, although I'm sure I will. But I want to ditch this car, stop paying high premium insurance and astronomically high-interest monthly car payments, and work exclusively on the island of Manhattan. Gas prices are doing what India.Arie said they were doing two years ago, "they just keep on risin' ". But she also said, "we gotta keep on survivn' keep living our truth and do the best we can do."

And then she said "There's Hope."

9 hours ago, Match Girl-I wrote me back, begging my pardon because she lost internet connection while on her vacation, then got caught up in "personal matters" and she hopes I'm doing well and she's wants to get back in touch. She says she hasn't burnt the bridge.

So either my geekdom did not chase her away, or she was handling another man while deciding if my geekdom was doable. And of course, for me, the exciting sheen has worn off. I'm glad I'm not as rejected as I thought I was, which would have been "permanently". And too, maybe I was not at all rejected. Maybe what she says is true.

But this is the real of relationships now. This is where it feels like most people live--somewhere between hope and disappointment. Our partners falling short of the ideal, and we settle. Take what we can get. Endeavor to work on giving in return of our get, even when we don't feel like giving.

Facts are, I had looked over a few more Match profiles but I really didn't want them. I like Match Girl-I's sense of humor better, and her diction, punctuation, and smile.

So.

What a difference a day makes, right?

Oh, and the psychiatrist which was recommended to me is covered under my insurance, but she's going away for a few weeks before I can get the meds. If I get in a relationship with Match Girl-I before the psych gets back, I prolly won't need the meds.

I dunno.

Baby steps.

Now to modify this post with a meme;

Here are the rules:

1. link the person who tagged you. Q

2. mention the rules in your blog…

3. tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours

4. tag 6 following bloggers by linking them. leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged

6 Unspectacular Quirks
a) I can ride a unicycle.

b) I used to be profoundly cross-eyed when I was a boy. When I "grew into it", it was then only "off," meaning I'd look at someone and talk to them, and they'd constantly be asking me, "Are you talking to me?" It took me as long as 1999 to get an operation to correct it. Meaning that only for the last 8 years, I've been looking people in the eye when I speak to them.

c) I've managed to save a few thousand dollars since I started my evening work in Manhattan. I owe friends roughly 8 times that amount in total.

d) I have survived two major car crashes in the last year and a half.

e) When I say to myself, "I'm probably as bisexual as any college girl with a few beers in her" I find that I'm actually okay with that.

I tag no one! But if you've read this and like it--OOPS! You're tagged now!

Deferred

Thought I'd use the meme from a few months back to stimulate a new post with some Alan-content. (To summarize, the meme was about answering a set of questions with a song title arrived at randomly off your iPod.) Since I'm endeavoring not to end the essay up with reader-killing self-pity, I will pick one of the lighter questions to explore--

--Aw crap, I can't! Because I just saw this one in the list and its' answer;

What do you think about very often?
"Where Is The Love?" Roberta Flack & Donny Hathaway

You'll recall in my Corinne Bailey Rae worship post, I had found her duet with John Legend singing this very song. Well here it goes again, and there's not really much for me to expound on. It speaks for itself. The question was, "What do I think about very often". Despite myself, this answer is still true.

In the defense of all the loves I've loved who already had loves, none of them told me they didn't love their loves and that they were "gonna to say goodbye." So this song just represents the position I let myself get into, despite myself. Would that it were easy to just click off the switch as soon as you hear the words, "My boyfriend..."

Where Is The Love

Where is the love
You said you'd give to me
Soon as you were free?
Will it ever be?
Where is the love?

You told me that you didn't love him,
And you were gonna say goodbye.
But if you really didn't mean it,
Why did you have to lie?

Where is the love
You said was mine all mine,
'Till the end of time?
Was it just a lie?
Where is the love?

If you had had a sudden change of heart
I wish that you would tell me so.
Don't leave me hangin' on the promises.
You've got to let me know!

Oh, how I wish I never met you.
I guess it must have been my fate.
To fall in love with someone else's love.
All I can do is wait ...


(Title of this post inspired by Langston Hughes)

Tagged

This actually the first time I've ever been tagged and quite an honor it is! It is from Fringes and Q.

1.Post these rules before presenting your list.
2. List 6 actions or achievements you think every person should accomplish before turning 18.
3. There are no conditions on what can be included on the list.
4. At the end of your blog, choose 6 people to get tagged and list their names.
5. People who are tagged write their own blog entry with their 6 suggestions.
6. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged.

Actions before turning eighteen
#1 Save all your comics. Bag and board them and put them somewhere safe.
#2 Make three friends that you want to have for the rest of your life.
#3 Ask the person of whom you are terrified, but can't sleep without thinking of, out on that date. They can only say no.
#4 Find 10 reasons why you actually love your parents, and then tell them, for God's sake--if it isn't too late by your 18th. This too will not kill you.
#5 Allow yourself to admire, even adore, one of the adults in your life and let them share their wisdom with you.
#6 Develop the skill it takes to forgive yourself, and therein doing, love yourself.

I resist the instruction to tag people, lest they grow angry with the imposition. But I'd really love to read what Grizzbabe, Vi, Solaris, Alex, Scott, and Mike would say.

Feel

Continuing the meme theme (see what I did there?), let me bring out another question and break down the answer in verse and video. And get ready for it.

How do you feel today?
"Rock The Boat" --Aaliyah

Boy you know you make me float
Boy you really get me high
I feel like I'm on dope
Cause you
You serve me on a regular
Boy we need to tie this rope
Before we drift any deeper
There now hold me close
Let's take this overboard now

Chorus:
I want you to
(rock the boat)
Rock the boat, rock the boat
Rock the boat, rock the boat
(work it in the middle)
Work the middle, work the middle
Work the middle, work the middle
(change positions for me)
Change positions, do positions
Do positions, do positions
(now stroke it baby)
Stroke it for me, stroke it for me
Stroke it for me, stroke it for me

Ooooh baby I love your stroke
Cause you, cause you get me to where Im going
In a jury youll get my vote
Cause I believe, I believe you know just what you doing now
Baby now we can coast
Just dont get in a hurry
Thats too slow
Go ahead and put that thing in motion

Chorus 2x:

Bridge:
I need you to use yourself
Like you never ever used it before
To explore my body
Until you reach the shore
You'll be calling, calling for more

Chorus 3x:

(rock the boat)
Rock the boat, rock the boat
Rock the boat, rock the boat


This right here is simple. This is sex. This is how we do it. The singer is my girl and I'm her boy. Serving her on the regular. In the morning when I'm so turned on that I can't roll over without a major injury, I have to crawl over her to get out of bed, but I get stuck. My leg slides along her inner thigh.

She wants me to rock the boat.

She calls me baby. She loves my stroke. I get her vote. She believes I know just what I'm doing. Because I'm getting her to where she's going. She don't want me in a hurry, but then I romanticize too much. I'm going too slow, thinking I'm some kind of vampire and that there are violins playing. "Boy, what you doin'?" she purrs. "Go ahead and put that thing in motion..."

She wants me to rock the boat.
I work it in the middle. "Work the middle. Work the middle. Change positions." I change positions. We do positions. "Do positions."

"Now stroke it for me."

That last voice was mine.

Something about this morning is different. She wants me to use myself like I "never, ever used it before" to explore her body until we reach "the shore" where she'll have me calling for more. As much as I can stand, anyways. Fortunately I'm in my forties. I can stand quite a bit.

She wants me to rock the boat...

Heaven

More in the Meme series, and why the answers mostly freaked me out;


What do your parents think of you?
"Heaven" --John Legend

Now, this song is about a man and his lover, but most of the lyrics so easily applies to what my mother (my only parent) may have thought of me as she tried raising me, and/or what I also thought of her, that it bears exploring.

Last night was the worst night
Beginning of the end
Or maybe it began
Before and here we go again
Things got so dramatic
Things got out of hand
We said words we couldn't imagine
I don't understand

There you go with the same old thing
When things go wrong you always seem to blame me
Now I would like to find what secrets hide in your mind
Where the end will go
Will I ever know
Heaven only knows

Heaven only knows
Heaven only knows
Heaven only knows

So let's make this night the best night
It's time for second chance
Turn the beat up on repeat and we can start to dance

Sometimes when we're talking
Words get drowned on by the sound
Let's get back to touching we'll get back on solid ground

Let's hold hands
Like a young romance
Let's first kiss like the moment we first did
Can we make love
Like back way in the day, love?
We can lose control, baby don't say no

Heaven only knows
Heaven only knows
Heaven only knows
Heaven only knows

So will you come back to me
Heaven only knows
So will you come back to me

Make this night the best night
It's time for second chance
Turn the beat up on repeat and we can start to dance

Heaven only knows
Heaven only knows
Heaven only knows

There's a definite creep-out factor when you consider these lines;
Like a young romance
Let's first kiss like the moment we first did
Can we make love
Like back way in the day, love?
We can lose control, baby don't say no
But there's also a component there that I haven't blogged a lot about which is definitely not for the squeamish.

I have said in the past that my Mom used to have a lot of pornographic novels in the house that I would read before she got home, and she had one of those little projectors with 8mm reels of porn that I would watch. I must have been in my early teens, maybe a little younger. Thus my introduction to sex was all secretive, layered with an element of shame. Perhaps not too uncommon, given our country's root puritanical stance against enjoying sex.

But in addition to this, my mother was just a strange woman. In hindsight.

Once--and I hope only once--she took me into the shower with her. I can't imagine why. I had to be possibly 9 or 10 years old, or maybe older. I starkly remember it. I may never have been more uncomfortable in my life. I was aware of the body parts that I was looking at and I knew I shouldn't have been looking. I wasn't thinking that when I was back in NYC at 6 that I had already been molested by the neighbor. I wasn't thinking about anything except how much I really didn't want to be in that shower with my naked Mom. I don't know how it ended. I'm sure nothing happened, except the sheer inappropriateness of being there.

But none of that was a good way to build the sexual foundation of a young man entering puberty.

Meanwhile, other than incestuous issues, all those lyrics about how many times we'd agrue, fall out, say horrible things to one another, hate each other (yes, she told me she hated me) and all the sheer drama of growing up under a bipolar woman who took mood stabilizers (a fact I realized in hindsight when I started working with the mentally ill who took the same drugs my Mom did), it was all just as the song "Heaven" describes.

And these lines;
Now I would like to find
what secrets hide in your mind
Where the end will go
Will I ever know

haunt me, and will do forever. Because the answer was "death". That's how it ended. And I'll never really know the secrets that hid in her mind.

"Heaven" is where I hope my mother is now.

But I can't be sure.

(The song starts at 00:59)


Aside from this meme, when I hear the song I only think of a man and his woman having troubles, not of me and my mother, and I love this song. I love the fact that the singer could have this communication with his woman even after they said horrible things to each other. That's a goal I'd like to have if I can't find a perfect woman who won't ever hurt me with her words. Call me a dreamer, but no, I don't believe I'd ever use the same type of words to hurt her. I don't believe I'd ever call her things like "bitch" and its ilk. Oh, I know how, believe me. That was one of the first verbal skills I ever developed, in the absence of size or fighting ability. I knew how to cut a man down with my words. Or make that "cut a boy down" because I was good at it as early as elementary school (Childhood Bud, can I get a witness?) I just don't believe I'd turn this weapon of mine against the woman I love. I just couldn't. It would kill me. Just like I'd die if she did it to me. Which why I'm still alone. aAnd on it goes.

Where the end will go
Will I ever know
Heaven only knows...

Purpose

What is your life's purpose?



Tell me
Just what you want me to be
One kiss
And boom you're the only one for me
So please tell me why don't you come around no more
Cause right now I'm crying
Outside the door of your candy store

[Chorus]
It just takes a little bit of this
A little bit of that
It started with a kiss
Now we we're up to bat
A little bit of laughs
A little bit of pain
I'm telling you, my babe
It's all in the game of love....

..Is
Whatever you make it to be
Sunshine instead of this cold lonely sea
So please baby try and use me for what I'm good for
It ain't sayin' goodbye
It's knocking down the door of your candy store

[Chorus]

It's all in this game of love

You roll me
Control me
Console me
Please hold me
Do guide me
Divide me
Into more...

[Guitar solo]

So please tell me why don't you come around no more
Cause right now I'm dying outside the door of your loving store

[Repeat Chorus]

It's all in this game of love
It's all in the game of love
Yeah, in the game of love

Roll me
Control me
Please hold me
(Make me feel good, yeah)

I'm out here on my own
On my own...

Again the lyrics are so amazingly accurate to what it seems my life's purpose has become. I imagine that in the future it will be a lot less pursuit and a lot more maintenance. But for now? For right now?

Tell me just what you want me to be.
One kiss. And BOOM.

So please tell me why don't you come around no more?

Love is whatever you make it to be.
Sunshine instead of this cold lonely sea.

I am so willing to be controlled, rolled, held, guided and divided into more than what I am now. That'd be just fine. It takes a whole lot of trust, but that's what my life is all about these days. I'm looking for someone I can trust this much.

It just takes a little bit of this and a little bit of that.

Just one thing is different now. Thanks to the blogworld, I don't feel like I'm out here on my own.

Not here on my own ...

Persistence

The meme I did freaked me out from the begininng question. When I dissect it, the questions ask about intimate details of my life, and the music I treasure on my mp3 player answers the questions. So using the songs as answers are bound to portray a significant pattern of what's going on inside the heart.

It's no surprise that a lot of my music are love songs. But it is surprising how well the particular love song fit the particular question. It makes me want to expand on the meme by examining certain questions and their answers. So to start with the first;

How would you best describe your personality?
"#41" -Dave Matthews Band

Here are the lyrics to this song, followed by a YouTube video so you can hear what these words sound like from him;

Come see
I swear by now I'm playing time
Against my troubles
Oh
I'm coming slow, but speeding

Do you wish a dance
and while I'm in the front
My play on time is won
Oh, but the difficulty
is
coming
here

I will go in this way
Oh and find my own way out
I wont tell you what to be
But I'm coming to much more
Me

All at once the ghosts come back
Reeling in you now
Oh tell me what if they came down crashing

Used to be that you and me
Used to play for
All of the loneliness that nobody
Notices now
I'm begging slow
I'm coming here

Only waiting

I wanted to stay
I wanted to play
I wanted to love you

I'm only this far
And only tomorrow leads my way

I'm coming waltzing back and moving into your head
Please, I wouldn't pass this by
I wouldn't take any more than I need
What sort of man goes by
I will bring water
Why wont you ever be glad
And melt into wonder
I came in praying for you
Why wont you run
Into rain and play
Let the tears splash all over you
So the question again is; How would you best describe your personality?
The song starts by asking the listener into the life of the singer. Then it goes into the singer's plea to the listener for a type of patience. Patience while the singer sorts some things out. The singer wants to dance with the listener, but he finds it hard to even approach.

The singer tries to work his way in, but knows he will only flee eventually. It's easier to leave than to come. The singer is moved to begging after reminiscing about the loneliness and the ghosts they left behind. The singer tells the listener what she may have not noticed--he wanted to stay, he wanted to play, and above all, he wanted to love her. Desperately. But he can't get there. He just can't.

The rest, only the lyrics say it best.

"I'm coming, waltzing back, and moving into your head. Please. I wouldn't pass this by. I wouldn't take anymore than I need. What sort of man goes by. I will bring water. Why won't you ever be glad and melt into wonder? I came in praying for you. Why won't you run into rain and play? Let the tears splash all over you."

Scott, you see it clearly. She's holding me at arm's length and that's all it has ever taken for me to stop trying. This resistance against me is enough. I lack the hairy-chested aggression that it seems to take to break through her doubts and fears. Badly as I want to be that guy--the guy I see in so many of you heroes of mine--I just ... I just die inside. I just don't have it what it takes to believe in myself more than she does. Not in this contest of me. By myself, I'm okay. If someone joins me, they have to join me. I swear, I've got what it takes to support them. Just not enough to support myself if they don't want me.

Dave Matthews "#41" best describes my personality because it dissects the very chemistry of my life, and how I came to be where I am.

As Promised To Fringes (And Ostensibly, Q)

Let me start by saying, I received my first response from Dream Girl. It came in, skipping over the sequence of e-mails I have sent her. I sent her three. She responded only to two. Notably, she did not respond to the one wherein Our Hero asks Dream Girl to meet up somewhere in NYC.

But she did respond to the last one, which was a sanitary query about an aspect of her professional life. She answered that and then let me know she was going to be leaving the area for a tour. (Yes, she's famous like that).

So I wrote her a thanks and included that I'd see her when she got back. Which means to me, "I'm going to see you. I don't know where, I don't know when. But I am going to see you again. There's just no damn way I can let you stay all casual and friendly, like every girl I ever loved in the high school of our youth (yes, we go that far back) without finding out if we've come together against all rules of logic and sanity for some higher purpose!"

I'm just sayin'.

And now, the meme--

Here’s how it works:
1. Put your iTunes on Shuffle
2. For each question, hit the next button to get your answer to the question
3. Write down that song name as your answer no matter what comes up in shuffle


How would you best describe your personality?
"#41" -Dave Matthews Band (Holy crap.)

If someone says it’s okay, you say:
"Remember The Time" --Michael Jackson

What do you like in a guy or girl?
"R&B Junkie" --Janet Jackson (OmG!!!!)

How do you feel today?
"Rock The Boat" --Aaliyah

What is your life’s purpose?
"The Game of Love" - Michelle Branch & Santana

What is your motto?
"The Sweetest Somebody I Know" --Stevie Wonder

What do your friends think of you?
"Control" --Janet Jackson

What do you think of your friends?
"Jazzman" --Carole King

What do (did) your parents think of you?
"Heaven" --John Legend (omg)

What do you think of your parents?
"Wild Horses" --The Sundays

What do you think about very often?
"Where Is The Love?" Roberta Flack & Donny Hathaway (!!!!!!!!)

What do you think of your best friend?
"Secret Rendezvous" --Karyn White

What do you think of the person you love?
"The Sweetest Day" --Vanessa Williams

What is your life’s story?
"Rock With You" --Michael Jackson

What do you want to be when you grow up?
"FanMail" --TLC

What do you think when you see the person you love?
"Lost Without U" --Robin Thicke

What is your hobby/interest?
"Got To Get My Heart Back" --Keyshia Cole

What will they play at your funeral?
"Papillon (aka Hot Butterfly) --Chaka Khan (That would seriously rock)

What is your biggest secret?
"Every Little Step I Take" - Bobby Brown

Hmm. Officially Freaked Out.